How Do I Deal with My Mother Who Wants Me to Dress Inappropriately?
Answered by Shaykh Yusuf Weltch
Question
How do I deal with my mother, who wants me to dress inappropriately? She’ll remark that my clothing doesn’t give me any form or that my bra makes my chest look too flat. She compares me and my high school friends and cousins who wear cosmetics.
On Eid, I eventually confronted her and told her again, “I don’t want to disrespect you, but I don’t feel comfortable,” to which she immediately lost her cool.
How do I forgive her and feel beautiful about myself?
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.
May Allah Most High grant you ease and reward you greatly for your perseverance in the face of this trial.
Your approach to dealing with your mother was correct. Remaining principled while maintaining a respectful rapport.
Allah Most High says, “But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world courteously, and follow the way of those who turn to Me (in devotion). Then to Me you will (all) return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.” [Quran, 31:15]
The above verse portrays a non-muslim parent who commands their child to commit the most heinous sin, namely associating partners with Allah Most High. Thus any sin less egregious than this would also necessitate taking the same approach.
A Different Perspective
Applying the above verse will require strength on your behalf. We are all wired to desire acceptance and validation from our parents. It is very difficult to be on the receiving end of disapproval from our parents, let alone misplaced and unjust disapproval.
It is important to reflect on the fact that most parents, despite their methods, do what they think is best for their children. Many times, hardships they faced as children wrongly inform their opinions as adults; however, they are nonetheless sincere.
Reflecting on this may help you increase in empathy for your mother and ward off any resentments you may naturally begin to have towards her.
Repelling Evil with Beauty
As you strive to maintain your principles of modest dress, strive to increase in your beautiful treatment of your mother and obedience to her in other areas that are permissible.
Allah Most High says, “Good and evil cannot be equal. Respond (to evil) with what is best, then the one you are in a feud with will be like a close friend. But this cannot be attained except by those who are patient and who are truly fortunate.” [Quran, 41:34-5]
Self-Perceptions
In the modern world, there is an immense amount of emphasis on outward beauty. The commodification of beauty has caused many people to lack self-esteem. This has also affected the Muslims who have erroneously fallen into the understanding that one’s outward beauty equals one’s value or worth.
One’s value and worth are in accordance with their inward beauty, the beauty of their heart, and their spiritual state with their Creator. This inward beauty manifests outwardly in one’s character. This is the measuring stick for value.
Allah Most High says, “O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may (get to) know one another. Surely the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware.” [Quran, 49:13]
Even outward beauty is relative and may differ from one person to another. Your mother may think that makeup is the only way to make a person beautiful, whereas others may feel that makeup detracts from one’s natural beauty.
Summary
The most important advice is to turn your heart to Allah Most High. Thereafter, strive to attain the good pleasure of Allah Most High in your actions and in your respectful and principled approach to dealing with your mother.
If you feel it may be productive, try to find a person in your family whom your mother respects and shares in your opinions of modesty. You can have her speak with your mother. Note that, you should only take this approach if you are reasonably sure it would benefit.
May Allah Most High grant you strength and bless you.
Hope this helps
Allah knows best
[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Shaykh Yusuf Weltch teaches Arabic, Islamic law, and spirituality. After accepting Islam in 2008, he completed four years at the Darul Uloom Seminary in New York, where he studied Arabic and the traditional sciences.
He then traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he studied for three years in Dar al-Mustafa under some of the most outstanding scholars of our time, including Habib Umar Bin Hafiz, Habib Kadhim al-Saqqaf, and Shaykh Umar al-Khatib.
In Tarim, Shaykh Yusuf completed the memorization of the Quran and studied beliefs, legal methodology, hadith methodology, Quranic exegesis, Islamic history, and several texts on spirituality. He joined the SeekersGuidance faculty in the summer of 2019.
