How Can I Stay Muslim When I Feel Women Are Overlooked in Islam?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I converted about two years ago, and I’ve slowly become disillusioned with Islam, mainly due to how women are treated. Why are women restricted so much more than men regarding modesty, autonomy, recognition as equals in intelligence and capability, and reduced to child-bearing servants of men their entire lives? Why are men allowed to beat their wives? This is regarding the Quran: 3:43, ahadith, narrations of different Sahaba (the most pious of all generations) beating their wives for looking out of windows, questioning them, for going outside without permission.
I find more misogyny when I read the Quran, hadith, Qurtubi, and Ihya. I would argue it’s just backwards culture, except that these are from supposedly divine sources.
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for speaking out about what you see and asking to address your doubts. I pray that you look at the totality of Islam’s truth, message, spirit, and revelation before making such a big decision that could affect your eternity. I will offer you a summary of the issues you addressed, but please see the links below in full for all the details.
Modesty
A woman is asked to cover more than a man simply because she is a woman and not a man. It is a timeless fact that women are known for their beauty, and this fact has been used for good and evil. Wars of the past have taken place over women, as crowns and countries have been joined from marrying them.
Regardless of these facts, women are asked to cover because Allah Most High has commanded it in the Quran, and here are His reasons: Allah Most High says, “O Prophet! Ask your wives, daughters, and believing women to draw their cloaks over their bodies. In this way, they will be more likely to be recognized ˹as virtuous˺ and not be harassed. And Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. “[Qur’an, 33:59]
And what could be a better reason? Our Lord wants Muslim women to be known for their modesty and virtue by all, and the hijab undoubtedly leads to them being less harrassed than uncovered women. Her safety is first. Although many see this as restrictive and oppressive, most Muslim women who cover see it as liberating.
Please see these links as well:
How Does the Qur’an Tell Women To Cover and What Does Jilbab Mean?
Can You Clarify the Standard Explanation of the Verse of Hijab? [Shafi’i]
Autonomy
A woman doesn’t have as much autonomy as a man because a man is her financial caretaker, as Allah stated in the Quran. In a complete Islamic-run government system, no woman has to work to support herself, period. Does any non-Muslim government offer that? Her support is obligatory on her family, relatives, or the government.
So when a woman has a caretaker like this, she is expected to cooperate somewhat with the good wishes of her caretaker, whether it be a father, husband or someone else. After seeing the atrocities worldwide and how women have been the target of violence and abuse, I see the Islamic approach as the best for women. To me, appointing men to take care of women is another liberating factor.
Please keep in mind that in modern society, women without families, some converts or single mothers do have complete autonomy, as they are playing two roles, and Islam permits this.
Please see these links as well:
Intelligence
You refer to this hadith:
Abu Sa`id al-Khudri relates (may Allah be pleased with him):
Allah’s Messenger went out to the Musalla (to offer the prayer) of ‘Eid. Then he passed by the women and said, “O women! Give alms, as I have seen that you are the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire.”
They asked, “Why is it so, O Messenger of Allah?” He replied, “You curse frequently and deny the reminiscent good.”
He said, “I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you.”
The women asked, “O Allah’s Messenger, what is deficient in our intelligence and religion?”
He said, “Is not the evidence of two women equal to the witness of one man?” They replied in the affirmative. He said, “This is the deficiency in her intelligence.”
He said, “Isn’t it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during menses?” The women replied in the affirmative. He said, “This is the deficiency in her religion.” [Bukhari]
Please see this complete, detailed and excellent explanation in the link below:
A Commentary on the Hadīth of Women’s Intelligence
Capability
I assume that you are referring to this hadith of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). “Never will succeed such a nation as makes a woman their ruler.” [Bukhari]
Shaykh Jamir Meah says,
The positions of leadership that the hadith refers to are those of the Imam (both of a nation and the male/mixed congregational prayer), judges, and chief commanders of the Muslim army and those who carry out judicial punishments. However, even in regards to the position of a judge, some scholars permitted women to be judges. [Fathul Bari, Tuhfa al Muhtaj, Fathul Mu’in, Ihya Ulum al Din].
The prohibition is more out of practical considerations rather than ability, as in many cases, women are often more capable and efficient than their male counterparts. The ruling also considers women’s nature, which is usually much more compassionate and merciful than men. While these are positive qualities in themselves, they are not always what is needed in matters of leadership and command.
Please see these links for more details:
Do the Hadiths Say Women Can’t Be Leaders?
Hadith about four prophetesses
Child-bearing servants
Your viewpoint of bearing children and serving husbands as negative things is a flaw in your thinking. Having children is one of the greatest honours a woman can have and, sadly, but understandably, one that a man cannot experience. Islam’s continuation on this Earth depends on bearing children and raising them according to Islam. Procreation is the unique gift that comes from the sanctity of the family, which is, unfortunately, being threatened today.
Having a child is one of the three ways that one’s good deeds can continue after death, and what could be more fruitful than that? The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When a man dies, his action discontinues from him except three things, namely, perpetual sadaqah (charity), or the knowledge by which benefit is acquired, or a pious child who prays for him.
Please see these links as well:
The Virtues of Having Children
God’s Messenger and Children – Fethullah Gulen
Serving one’s husband has been made a great means of worship and salvation for women. A believer’s only goal in this world, a world that has been likened to a drop from the ocean, is attaining Allah’s good pleasure. This good pleasure is reached through different means for different people.
For example, `A’isha said, “I asked the Prophet’s permission to participate in jihad, and he replied, “The jihad of you women is the pilgrimage.” [Bukhari & Muslim]
A woman’s path to Allah’s nearness includes hajj, which was likened to jihad for a man, obeying her husband, praying, fasting, serving her parents, and raising her children well. These are only a means to an end that is good, satisfying, equal in reward for both genders, and eternal for her. So how can you call this role reduced when the end is the same?
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes.” [Abu Nu’aim]
Beating one’s wife
The verse from the Quran that you are referring to is here:
Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially. And righteous women are devoutly obedient and, when alone, protective of what Allah has entrusted them with. And if you sense ill-conduct from your women, advise them ˹first˺, ˹if they persist,˺ do not share their beds, ˹but if they still persist,˺ then discipline them ˹gently˺. But if they change their ways, do not be unjust to them. Surely Allah is Most High, All-Great. [Quran, 4:34]
The best answer I can give you is here by Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat:
Firstly, most people who translate the words ‘wa-ḍribūhunna’ from the verse we discussed above decide to translate it ‘beat them’ or something to that effect. This is problematic because it is not what the verse intends. Words have implications, and the strength of those implications dictates the appropriateness of the word to a context. The words eat, partake of, guzzle, chomp, devour, and munch all have the basic meaning of ingesting food, yet the nuances in each are very different.
Upon hearing this verse or the hadith related to it, many people automatically conjure up images of domestic violence in its worst forms. This is a projection of the problematic elements of modern societies onto the Qurʾan and hadith of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace), and it does not take into consideration the example the Messenger of Allah set for us.
Firstly, the use of physical force was very much disliked by the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) – especially if the man would end up trying to be intimate with her later (Bukhari). The narrations which sanction the use of physical discipline all condition the use as being ‘ghayr mubarrih’ (Bukhari). The jurists and exegetes of Islam have explained this term to mean that the discipline should in no way cause any damage. It is impermissible for there to be any redness and other signs of soreness and bruising on the skin – let alone bleeding, broken bones or worse.
Generally, the bodies of women are softer and more liable to bruising than those of men, so most forceful contact is likely to leave some sort of mark – which is exactly what the narrations are prohibiting. So how much force can there be in this ‘beating’? Very little. It is a far cry from the perception of domestic violence that comes to people’s minds.
Moreover, the word ‘ghayr’ – which can be translated as ‘not’ has a linguistic implication of the meaning being negated with it being the exact opposite of what it would mean without it. For example, the Prophet Ibrahim (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Our Lord, I have left some of my offspring to dwell in a completely barren valley.” [Quran, 14:37] The words ‘ghayr dhī zarʿ’ have been translated as ‘completely barren.’ The words ‘dhū zarʿ’ would be used to describe a place with lots of lush greenery and vegetation; placing the word ‘ghayr’ before it completely flips the meaning.
Therefore, the sanction of mild physical force, in line with the Qurʿanic verse, is actually a minor display of the husband’s disapproval of her gross disobedience (fahisha mubayyina), which is a condition for the use of this resort. It is impossible to ‘beat’ someone – as people imagine the verse to mean – and not leave any sort of scarring, bruising, soreness or bleeding. Most of the time, contact with force, even squeezing someone’s wrist, will leave some physical mark. So, in all fairness, how can people portray this as domestic violence? Rather, it is little more than a display of the role of caretaker and guardian and not a means to vent anger and frustration or for him to show he is physically stronger than her.
You may question why such a ruling exists, then. The simple answer is that the Qurʾan has been revealed to all people from the time of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) onwards, and people are very different from one time to another and one place to another. It is from the perfection and wisdom of Allah that the rulings us Islam are broad and flexible enough to be applied in any situation – an element which many contemporary scholars refer to as ‘The Legislative Miracle’ of the Qurʾan.
The great exegete Ibn ʿAshur mentioned that in some cultures, using such means of discipline was not only acceptable but expected, and the women would not see this as excessive or cruel. Bedouin Arabs are an example of this.
Also, it may be that in one culture, something is completely abhorrent, yet it is accepted as a way of life in other cultures. Take multiple marriages, for example: here in the west, most women have a strong aversion to the thought of their husband marrying someone else at the same time as them, and this is an acceptable feeling for these women to have. Why? Simply because it is not a norm of the culture they grew up in, so feeling uncomfortable is normal. In other cultures, however, this is not the case. I have a friend from Nigeria, where multiple marriages are the norm, and for a man to limit himself to one wife is seen as odd. He once told me that his first wife was looking for a second wife for him – which is unfathomable to a westerner – yet acceptable to them.
Ibn ʿAshur went on to say that he and other scholars felt that due to the nature of this ruling and the fact that men may not stay within this boundary, judges may deem it impermissible in places where it is likely to open the door up to detriment. The Shariʿa does not allow anyone to wrong another.
The ruling was revealed in the Qurʾan as part of a series of methods the husband can utilize to deal with what is classed as gross disobedience. This is a general term for the event of the wife refusing to fulfill what is obligatory upon her with regard to the marriage. The first step is that the husband should admonish her at an early stage and remind her that Allah has commanded them to be a particular way to each other, and that is for their mutual benefit. If she still does not respond in an appropriate manner he can cease to have intimate relations with her (Mawsu’a Bayan al-Islam).
If the latter approach does not work, then the use of some physical force has been sanctioned as if it will benefit and within the previously defined parameters. If it will not benefit, or if he cannot remain within the limits of the Shariʿa, then he cannot take the last step (Ibn ʿAshur, al-Tahrir wa al-Tanwir). This is all tempered with the prophetic approach of kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness.
In fact, the verse ends with a clear instruction to the husband not to try to wrong her if she desists, and then Allah ends it with the words, “Indeed Allah has always been Tremendously High, Truly Great.” [Quran, 4:34] To someone who understands the implications of this statement, these words are frightening. This is a threat, and a threat implied is much stronger than an explicit threat. A child who steals from a shop and, as she runs away, hears the shopkeeper shouting, ‘When I catch you, I’ll give you a smack on the bottom and tell your dad’ is not likely to feel threatened. But if the shopkeeper said, ‘You watch what I’m going to do to you when I catch you….’ the threat is stronger because the child will conjure up all sorts of scenarios in his mind.
Like this, it is as though Allah is saying to a husband who may cross the limit in this disciplinary procedure, ‘Do you think to can abuse her just because you have been placed higher than her, and you think you are greater than her? I have always been higher and greater than all! Beware of what you do….’
Finally, do these rulings all seem one-sided? Imam Malik held that if the husband was doing things comparable in seriousness, the wife could go to the Judge, and he would discipline the husband on her behalf. Some contemporary scholars feel that this ruling should be applied universally (Mawsuʿa Bayan al-Islam). Cases of domestic violence are crimes and should be dealt with as such, for every crime committed will be dealt with in full on the Day of Judgement. Allah does not like oppression.
Please see these links as well:
Explaining Misunderstood Hadith About Women
Leaving the house with permission
Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat explains:
Does a woman need the permission of her husband to go out of the house? It depends on the reason. The scholars of Islam have laid down scenarios where the wife would need permission – which some scholars considered to be the husband’s knowledge of it without his objection (Fatḥ al-Bari, Ibn Rajab) – based on some narrations from the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace). There are various reasons for this, but most return to her safety. The husband is responsible for the safety of his wife, and for her to leave home with no way of him knowing where she is, or if she is safe, then he has fallen short of his responsibility.
The situations which do allow her to leave home are well documented in the books of Law, such as if she needed to learn her religion and he was unable to teach her or if she had a genuine need. Being in constant contact with people all day is a very recent phenomenon; therefore, laws reflect the majority of cases. Also, this is not a right which is used as a whip to subdue someone; rather, the spirit of Islam calls for everything to be ‘wrapped up in goodness.
Please see these links as well:
Explaining Misunderstood Hadith About Women
When Can a Woman Leave Her House?
Is It True That a Man Can Prevent His Wife From Leaving the House for No Reason?
Backwards Culture
The truth is that most of what you see of domestic violence, verbal abuse, taking away of women’s rights, and worldwide atrocities is because of a lack of Islam and the absorption of unIslamic cultures. Throughout history and in the future, you will find that the pendulum swings to extremes, between extreme freedom and extreme oppression, but Islam always stays in the middle; it is the perfect religion with perfect wisdom and balance. Both extremes infringe upon women’s rights, reducing them to animals with no rights at all, or women forced to act like men in every way, with no trace left of femininity, both outward and inward. Both cause the disintegration of healthy societies.
Muslim Scholars On Spousal Abuse
Equal reward
In conclusion, consider Allah’s solemn promise in the Quran, as He never breaks His promise:
“Surely ˹for˺ Muslim men and women, believing men and women, devout men and women, truthful men and women, patient men and women, humble men and women, charitable men and women, fasting men and women, men and women who guard their chastity, and men and women who remember Allah often—for ˹all of˺ them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward.” [Quran, 33:35]
I pray that this benefits you and that you reconsider your stance on Islam and its position on women.
Please see these links as well:
Does a Woman Have an Inferior Position Compared to Her Husband?
What is SeekersGuidance’s Input into the Fight for Women’s Rights?
Can You Help Me Understand My Role and Value as a Woman?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
