How Can I Explain to My Mom That I Am Ready for Marriage Now?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’m a 19-year-old girl in her second-year university. I’m the eldest, and my mom’s a single mother. Not long ago, a uni friend of mine whom I had gotten to know in a halal way approached me to speak to my mom for my hand in marriage. I accepted, and he did.
She agreed but with conditions like waiting until he graduates and gets a job, etc. I know she wants me to be safe, but I can’t explain to her: I can’t wait that long for marriage, that It might cause me to sin because of my growing needs, that I’m lonely, and she can’t fix it. How can I marry soon and not have my mother hate me? She’s traumatized from her own marriage, why project that onto me?
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for getting to know your suitor in a halal way and may you find ease in communicating with your mother.
Now or Later
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) “Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married, and whoever does not, then he should fast, for it will diminish his desire.” [Ibn Maja]
You should base your decision about timing on the above hadith. It is obligatory for your husband to support you, and it will be much easier if he is earning before you marry so his parents are not burdened. Also, if you marry now, you may get pregnant immediately, therefore not be able to finish your degree. If you have started your university education, it is much easier for you to finish without having to worry about cooking and cleaning, which would become incumbent on you if you marry.
Communicate
Ask your mother what is the earliest possible time to get married. Compromise. Perhaps in two years, upon your graduation? You don’t need to mention to your mother that your lusts are growing, she already knows that, but she is right to help you make the best decision for yourself. Nineteen is young, and marrying in a couple of years won’t hurt you at all, rather you can do a lot in that time to help you prepare for marriage. In the meantime, fast a couple of times a week, and slow down communication with him because that will only escalate your desires. Perhaps have a formal engagement, so you are promised to each other and then work out the timing of the wedding later.
Please see these links as well:
Nikah delayed until graduation
Having to Wait for Nikah
In Love but Too Young to Marry
How to Explain the Advantages of Marrying Young to My Family?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
