How Can I Convince My Suitor’s Manipulative Mother to Accept Me?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
Me and my partner wanted to avoid haram and get married, but his mum was against it. She blames me for his suicide attempt last year when I knew nothing about it. She believes I was the cause even though no one apart from me knew what he was going through mentally, no one even noticed. She says I should’ve gone to her and told her, but that would have been a violation of his trust. She has emotionally manipulated him to the point he has left me and abandoned our promise to marry. I need advice and guidance, please.
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for helping him when he was in need, but this may be the price that you have to pay for it.
Marry for Religion
Your suitor should make a wise decision based on his istikhara, advice from the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), and by consulting those around him. I pray that he heals from the pain and suffering that he went through, and I hope that he sees a therapist or psychiatrist to work through his issues.
Mother
It is reasonable to seek his mother’s permission due to her rank in Islam. Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “And We have enjoined upon man (care) for his parents. His mother carried him, (increasing her) in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the (final) destination.” [Quran, 31:14]
Obeying one’s mother is not necessary in this case, and he could marry you without her permission, but is this how you would want it? It seems to me that he understands his mother’s feelings and agrees with her. You would have to convince him before you convince her, and I don’t think it’s worth it, to be honest.
Turn to Allah
Turn to Allah during this difficult time, and ask Him to help you focus on the right things. Be the best Muslim that you can be by praying all your prayers on time and reading some Quran with the meaning every day. Make sincere du`a to Him to guide you to this marriage if it is right and to guide you away if it is wrong. Pray the Prayer of Need before dawn. Work on yourself, be healthy, take care of your mental health and look to a new chapter in your life if necessary, and seek out someone whose family will welcome you with open arms.
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May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
