Am I Disobeying My Parents By Marrying A Christian Woman?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am about to graduate college. Recently, my parents disowned me and kicked me out of the house because I want to pursue a Christian girl. My mother told me I am not her son, nor a Muslim because I am seeing this girl. My father said that they did not actually disown me, but wanted to pressure me into “making the right decision.”
They want me to marry a Muslim but they agree that it is not haram for a Muslim man to marry a Christian. However, they say that since I am disobeying them, my actions are haram and thus I must stop. I feel this logic is circular and unfair, and I have done everything I can to be respectful and loving to them regardless.
They refuse to speak to me unless I leave her, but I am staying with the girl I love and will keep it halal.
Answer
Thank you for your question.
What you are going through is not easy and your parents just want the best for you. It will be very difficult for you to understand this until your own child is of marriageable age and you go through it yourself. You have two options.
Your options
Your first option is to marry the girl and ignore your parent’s wishes. It is permissible as a son does not need a father’s consent to marry whom he wills. This is clear-cut but it will take years of good character, patience and trying to endear her to the family to gain acceptance and full normalcy. It is difficult but doable, by the grace of Allah.
Also, her religion will be an issue. You certainly don’t want a Christian to raise your children. Your love for this woman should not set a low standard for your children and make them suffer. You should make every effort in teaching her about Islam and pray that she converts. Guide her and help her every step of the way until she gets there. Also, be adamant that your children are raised as Muslims no matter what she decides for herself.
Your second option is to listen to your parents and forget about her completely. You would have to cut off all ties with her and start your healing process. If you do this, make sure that the decision is yours, so you don’t resent your parents for the rest of your life.
Istikhara
The only way to make this difficult decision is to pray Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance. Ask Allah to help you do the best thing for your own future and your children. Don’t think of anything else. The Prophet said, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, “Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.“ [Abu Dawud] Don’t be that person, be in full control of your emotions and actions.
Increase your knowledge
Please empower yourself with knowledge. Enroll in Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages and
Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents.
All parents are deserving of respect and good character in Islam – even abusive ones. The key lies in balance, and this is an ongoing conversation. Do not be pushed around by your parents, and do not push them. Assert yourself with firmness and excellent character.
Patience
“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.” [Qur’an, 2:155]
Please know that Allah knows how hard this is for you. Nothing is lost with Him. Do your best to exercise patience tempered with wisdom. Always strive to uphold respect, kindness, and service to your parents, even if they do not.
I pray that Allah guides you to what is most pleasing to Him. May He bless you with a loving and tranquil marriage that brings you the best in this world and the next.
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
