How Can I Convince My Parents to Accept My Desired Spouse From a “lower caste?”
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I told my parents who I want to marry, but they immediately rejected him because he belongs to a lower caste.
My grandparents spoke to him and his parents and then tried to convince my parents. My mother said that the guy’s family is from the same city as us, so what will we tell people about marrying her to a lower caste? He is from the same city, but he has been living in Canada with his family for a very long time. He is becoming a surgeon there. His family is decent and gives me much respect and love.
Answer
Thank you for your question.
The absolute best answer that I can give about marrying someone for their caste is here:
Do I Have to Marry Someone Within My Caste to Please My Family?
Should the Decision for Marriage Be Taken Only Considering Somebody’s Caste?
Istikhara
The single most useful and trustworthy method for making big decisions is the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (istikhara). I pray that you do not take this gift for granted and ask Allah if this man is right for you and worth pursuing.
Forget about your parents for just a minute and ask yourself whether you followed the Prophet’s advice. The Messenger of Allah, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “A woman is married for four reasons: for her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religious inclination, choose the one who is religious (or) you will be ruined.” [Bukhari; Muslim]
On what basis have you chosen him? It is looks or love? Is it religion? If you feel that you have followed the Prophet’s advice, please pray your Istikhara with the etiquette mentioned in these links and go from there:
Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance
The Reality of Istikhara
Compromise
Once you have prayed it, and if you have found it positive to keep trying, you must be able to face your parents ask them to compromise. I know it is difficult but try to read them and see if they will ever budge. You could wait it out, or you could get a third party to speak to them. Either way, you need their permission.
Ask Allah
Turn to Allah during this difficult time and ask Him to help you through this. Be the best Muslim that you can be by praying all your prayers on time and reading a bit of the Quran with the meaning every day. I know that caste is a big problem in the sub-continent, and I pray that people can understand Allah’s words, “Surely the noblest of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware.” [Quran, 49:13]
Learn and Prepare
If your parents do agree, or even if you find someone else, the best thing that you can do for yourself and your marriage is to take a free course at Seekers about marriage. Learn your rights and responsibilities and intend to uphold an Islamic marriage:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
