What Do I Do if My Father Is So Threatening That I Mistrust Men and Fear Marriage?

Question: My dad is a loving man and a good father, but lately, he has been a little manipulative, like telling me that he doesn’t want to beat my sister and me and telling me that he will get mad at me. I don’t want him to get mad or beat me since I’ve seen how horrible he was towards my stepmom when she didn’t obey him. I’m getting scared, and I have trouble trusting men. I don’t know how I can get married if I can’t trust my dad.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through these ups and downs with your father. It is not right for a young lady to be beaten by her father because she makes him angry. What happened to discussing things and mutual understanding?

How fatherhood affects their children

Elisabetta Franzoso, a life coach and counselor, tells us that a child’s relationship with her father affects her in the following ways:
Self-confidence: she may prioritize others’ lives and not see herself as important if the father never showed her importance.
Identity: How to be a man and how to be a woman is conveyed to children, affecting how she forms her identity as a woman and what to expect from men.
Relationships: A person tends to fall into the same marriage patterns that she witnessed unless she intentionally and consciously works hard to break those standards.
Career: She will view her career in the same way that her father did, balancing it well with family life or struggling with it or forgoing it all together and ignoring her ambitions.
Values: Watching her father will form the values and beliefs that they live by and the world view they develop. This will fuel the child’s sense of right and wrong and guide them in their decisions.
Parenting: A child might grow up and end up parenting as her parents did, but she should weigh her strategies and assess them before blindly repeating the cycle.
[https://thriveglobal.com/stories/types-of-damaging-fathers-and-how-they-influence-who-we-are/]

Mistrust

Although you have had some bad experiences with your father, you should not let this define your relationship with others, especially your husband. The best thing you can do is communicate with your father to heal this pain and alleviate this fear. Look at all the men in the family around you and pinpoint their negative patterns of behavior. You want to avoid marrying someone who has the qualities that you fear.

Learn

According to the Qur’an, a married person is expected to behave as a garment for their spouse, protecting them, covering them, helping them, and making them feel secure. The best thing you can do to prepare yourself to find a good man is to take a course on marriage here and hone your skills to be a good wife and get an education. Please see this excellent link on true Islamic marriage:
https://dev.seekers.flywheelstaging.com/articles/social-issues/they-are-your-garments-and-you-are-theirs-by-maulana-m-mansur-ali/

seekers.flywheelstaging.com/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

Ask Allah

Ask Allah to strengthen your relationship with your dad and to open doors of communication between you. Pray the Prayer of Need, supplicate before dawn regularly and ask Allah to send you a pious, kind, devout man. Intend to respect and obey him, and expect him to respect and have mercy on you. Make the give-and-take equal between you, but always be willing to give a little more. May you dwell with your future husband in tranquility and peace in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.