Should I Leave My Rude Husband or Continue to Be Patient?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My husband is abusive, rude, impatient & disrespectful to me. He gets mad at the slightest things, even those out of my control. I feel like I can never make him happy. When angry, he uses demeaning & harmful words to curse me.

Recently, he got violent. He threw something & hit me. He has no patience with me & doesn’t accept my mistakes. Instead of having good conversations, he constantly criticizes me. Often when I try to converse with him, he ignores me or changes the subject. Also, we live in a joint family, so his mom criticizes me, is mean to me & tells lies about me.

Should I be patient & keep praying, or should I seek a divorce? My husband is my cousin & I fear that a divorce would break kinship ties.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am sorry for the pain and trouble that you are going through, and I pray that you find a suitable solution for both of you. It is possible to fix this marriage with much effort and patience, but only you can decide if you are capable of this.

Test

Abu Hurayra (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A Muslim, male or female, continues to remain under trial in respect of his life, property, and offspring until he faces Allah, the Exalted, with no sin record.” [Tirmidhi]

You have not mentioned any of your faults in your question, and assuming you are not perfect, both of you are to blame. You should exhaust all means to repair this marriage and understand that it takes time to develop a strong bond. Until then, you can choose to bear with patience and resolve your conflicts in the right way, and if not, at least you have the pleasure of Allah Most High through suffering these trials.

Mend

Mending the marriage will be challenging and will take a lot of work. Look below and start by reading all these books, take the courses, read the articles and have your husband participate. Apply the tips mentioned, see a Muslim marriage counselor if necessary and pray istikhara about any big decisions. Take marital advice from those who have been married longer than you and get along. Make this your end goal:

It was said, “‘O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best?’ He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything concerning herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]

In-laws

As for the interference of your mother-in-law, I recommend that you follow the tips mentioned below to deal with her and consider moving out with your husband as soon as possible. Always uphold good character, and know that Allah and his angels are with truthful and patient. As for the fact that he is your cousin, don’t worry about what feelings are caused; you should make an independent decision based on your istikhara, your marriage, and your life, not anyone else’s.

How to Deal with the Criticism of In-Laws?
How to Deal with a Physically Abusive Mother-in-Law Who Makes Up Stories?

Turn to Allah

When facing any challenge, turn to Allah for help. Pour your heart in supplication to Him because He can send the solution to the problem that He sent in the first place. Ask yourself if you are lacking in religion. Be committed to your prayers, pray the Prayer of Need and give charity regularly, for the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” [Tirmidhi]

Please See These Links as Well

Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage

Answer Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
Should I Divorce My Husband If All We Do Is Argue?
Love, Marriage, and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage

Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.