My Brother Molested Me. Am I Guilty?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

When I was 13 years old and my brother was 15, he started doing strange things to me in the night, like kissing me and my body and rubbing his body against mine and touching my private parts. This continued off and on and then he suddenly stopped 3 years later and it never happened again.

At first, I used to comply, but when I was 14, I used to punch him, kick him, and scratch him when he came to me. I would also tell him to get lost but he would never utter a single word. The next morning he would behave as if nothing happened. Five years later, we have never discussed what we did. I have never told my parents about this, they raised me with great love and care and trust. I have never had any relationship with a boy, but I still have sinned gravely under their nose.

I thought that I wasn’t guilty as I was forced. But now I think I implicitly consented but keeping it secret. I pray and seek repentance sincerely but am still haunted. I don’t doubt in Allah’s mercy but I can’t escape from it now. I am unable to forgive myself and think I am a woman of bad character.

1- Is it okay to hide this from my parents?

2- Is it okay if I don’t tell this to my future husband? Or will this be considered adultery or cheating?

3- Can my brother and I be forgiven? How do I repent?

4- Is it okay for my brother and me to have a normal sibling relationship?

5- Will I get a husband with a bad character as in the Quran it says that good men will get good women and vice versa?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am so very sorry that you had to go through this and be a victim of sexual abuse. You did not deserve this and your brother has to make very sincere repentance for harming you and scarring you.

However, rest assured that you can get through this. Please seek the support of a qualified and culturally-sensitive counselor, therapist, or psychologist. Deep-seated trauma like this requires time and effort to work through. I pray that your journey towards healing will be a means for you to attain Jannatul Firdous.

I Was Sexually Abused as a Child and Have Become an Abuser. Is There Any Redemption for Me?

1) I am honestly not sure if there is any benefit in telling your parents. It seems to me that it stopped a long time ago and that your parents might be destroyed by this. It is not obligatory to tell them, but I also fear that this secret might consume you. Honesty is usually the best policy, and you would need their support to heal from this.

Please pray istikhara on this point. Is it more beneficial or harmful to tell them? As a parent myself, I would want to know, but weigh the decision carefully.

2) Do not tell your future husband about this, it would be impermissible for you to do so. It is not considered adultery or cheating.

Victim of Sexual Abuse: Should I Confess it to my Husband?

Can We Deny Having Committed Sins After We’ve Repented From Them?

3) You and your brother can certainly be forgiven as Allah forgives all sins other than making partners with Allah. Never despair. See the conditions for tawba:

What Are the Conditions of Making Tawba? (Transcript) – Ustadh Abdullah Misra

4) It is Ok for you and your brother to have a normal relationship, but if I were in your position, I would tell him you both need to repent, he, more so than you, and you should let him know that he has scarred you.

He should not be able to have a silent getaway without a least a reprimanding from you. Assert yourself now even if you didn’t back then.

5) No, don’t worry about your future husband, you may still marry someone pious, kind, generous, brave, intelligent, pious, mature and wise and have any other good quality that you can think of. This verse in the Qur’an does not mean that you will end up with a sexual abuser or anything like that. See this link:

Is It Permissible to Marry Someone Who Was a Prostitute?

Please try and find a local group for victims of sexual abuse or even a phone hotline and try not to bottle this up, but discuss it without guilt. May Allah protect all of our youth and give you tawfiq in your religion and wordly affairs.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad 
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.