Marrying Someone Other Than Parent’s Choice
Question: I have been suffering from family problems since 2016. My parents and siblings don’t understand what I want. My mom wants me to marry someone I don’t want. She urges me all the time. I don’t have anyone close to share my problem with. I always feel lonely and depressed. I have seen one guy and when I saw him I felt like I had known him for a thousand years. I started to like him but we haven’t met. I don’t know how to tell my parents that I want to marry him.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and I pray that you can communicate openly with your mother about your feelings instead of suffering silently.
Forced marriage
Keep in mind that marriage cannot be forced in Islam. A woman must consent to marry her suitor and you should not be made to feel guilty about it. Have you prayed istikhara about this man that your mother speaks of? Was it negative? Have you told her that you had a negative istikhara?
There is no shame in explaining to her how you feel and that she is causing you a lot of distress and worry with her pressure. Try to sit down and understand her reasons for suggesting this man, and after clear deliberation, respond with polite curtness and firmness that you will not agree, once you are certain.
See this link as well:
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/shafii-fiqh/can-mother-force-marry-someone/
Your alternative suitor
As for the other man that you speak of, I am afraid that you don’t know anything about him, nor does he know you. How do you know that he is right for you? What do you base your choice on? His looks? Please pray Istikhara about this person and if it’s positive, proceed to tell your parents. It won’t be easy, but you must start communicating with them if you don’t want to be potentially miserable for the rest of your life. These are the times in life when you speak up.
See these links:
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/
Friends
I noticed in your question that you said you are not close to anyone. This saddened me because a young Muslim cannot get by in life without friends. They are supporters, helpers, beloved for their good character, and there to lean on and learn from. Please socialize a bit more and seek out good religious friends that are a good influence and that you can relate to and relax with. They are instrumental in times like this.
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume-seller and a blacksmith: The perfume-seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace” [Bukhari].
May Allah make the choice easy for you and may you be blessed to marry the perfect man suited to you, and may Allah give you the best in this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
