How Do I Deal With Abusive and Condescending Siblings?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’m the eldest sister but my younger sisters insult me often. They talk about my looks and call me dumb. If I try to stop them they say that I am a hypocrite. They also say that I am very bad as a sister and my husband will be very unlucky. I try my best to please Allah and not to react but it makes me very sad. What should I do? Is this a test or am I truly the bad one? Will this make Allah angry with me?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are dealing with such irritation in your home, but I urge you not to believe a single word they say. It’s not true.
Abuse
The Prophet, (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “O my slaves, I have made oppression unlawful for myself and I have made it unlawful among you, so do not oppress one another.” [Muslim]
Siblings have no right to abuse one another, and it is sinful. Rather siblings should be supportive, loving, helpful, and blessings in one’s life. When they call you names, you should defend yourself and then ignore them. You should not stay silent, as taking abuse is not permissible and they will step on you more. You should leave their presence, and tell them that Allah hears all and that truth always manifests itself over falsehood. Know that you are better than them, and they don’t deserve a sister like you.
Steps
What you should do is be the absolute best that you can be, in your this-worldly affairs and in your religion, and leave them watching. Educate yourself, exercise, eat healthily, gain sacred knowledge, practice all of your religious obligations, supplicate to Allah before dawn, serve your parents, and adorn yourself with good character. When you do all of this and focus on Allah’s good pleasure, more blessings will come your way, and you will find peace in your chaotic home.
Consider this poetry of Imam al-Shafi’i, because truly in your heart, you can have it all:
Let days go forth and do as they please
And remain firm when settled is the Decree
Don’t be afraid of what happens by night
For the affairs of this world are not to last
And be a man, strong in the face of calamities
And let your nature be that of kindness and honesty
If your faults become too much in front of the people
And you wish that they were to be concealed,
Then know that kindness covers all faults
And how many faults are kept hidden by kindness!
No sadness lasts forever, nor any happiness
And you shall not remain in poverty, or any luxury
Generosity cannot be hoped from the miserly
For no water exists in the Fire for the thirsty
Your provision will not be decreased due to life’s delays
And it cannot be increased due to your haste
If, in your heart, you possess contentment
Then you and those who possess the world are equal
[https://www.australianislamiclibrary.org/imam-al-shafiis-poetry.html]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
