How Can I Help My Mother Who Is Being Abused by My Angry Father?

Question:

My father screams, insults, and wakes my mother up to make him tea or cook food. He will not even do little things like clean up after himself, and he gets angry if she speaks up about it. My mother already cooks, cleans, and keeps everything ready. She already has health issues, and her doctors have all told her that resting is the cure. There are more severe issues as well. My mother does not have time to rest. Please tell me that he is wrong to treat her like this, and how can I help?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question.  I am sorry that you are dealing with watching your father mistreat your mother. An Islamic marriage is consists of mercy, support, kindness, and gentleness between spouses. I can assure you that this not from the Prophetic guidance.

What You Can Do

Unfortunately, there is very little that a person can do for a parents’ marriage; that requires change on behalf of the people involved. I pray that your mother can stand up for herself and that they communicate better. Here are some ideas until then:

-Try to get your father to set a time for his meals and tea, this way she knows what to expect, and she can try to plan her naps and bedtime accordingly.
-Take other chores off her list by doing them for her. Take out the garbage for her, wash the dishes, do some laundry, and make her some tea!
-Learn what you can in the kitchen so that you can help your father when he needs something, alleviating the need to wake her up.
-Can you find a friend, relative, or imam that can talk to him about his screaming and impatience?
-Can you offer to pray with him or go out with him so you can bond with him? This will eventually calm him down and improve his mood.

Patience

Although you get upset at how your father treats her, try to communicate with him openly, honestly, and respectfully. Tell him to be more gentle with her, and tell him that his screaming bothers everyone. Do not get angry. Get up before dawn and ask Allah to change him, and give a little charity consistently, asking Allah to guide him.

Please see these links for more excellent details on this topic, and apply the tips given:
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/can-help-mother-despite-abusive-father/

Please learn these du’as, and ask your mother to recite them daily:
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/articles/general-artices/selected-prophetic-prayers-for-spiritual-physical-and-emotional-wellbeing-by-chaplain-ibrahim-long/

Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you.

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and give your parents relief from their problems.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.