Can I Cut Off My Mother Due to the Distress of Her Eloping?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

One day, I caught my mother on a video call with a Muslim man I didn’t know. When I asked her, she lied and claimed he presented as a woman wanting to be friends. When I confronted her, I expressed my concern and even warned the stranger to stay away. Then she abruptly left our house, claiming she had married this man. After a few months, she returned, admitting she had lied about marrying him. Later on, she left again, stating she had indeed married him and wouldn’t return. These events left me feeling deeply depressed and hurt. I don’t want to talk to my mother due to the distress caused by her actions, and she is not in contact with us. My worry is whether Allah would punish me on Judgment Day for not talking to her.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and pain, and I’m sorry that your mother is not being transparent about her actions.

Mother

Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported that a person said: “O Allah’s Messenger, who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? He said: ‘Your mother, again your mother, again your mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).’” [Muslim]

Pain

Unfortunately, family members, even mothers, can cause pain to the ones nearest to them, and not even realize what they are doing. Had she been open and explained that she was ready to marry and involved you in the process, this could have been avoided. Since she is not talking to you, I encourage you to take this time to process the pain and heal from what she has put you through.

If she contacts you in a year or so, I don’t advise that you cut her off but explain that you love her and respect her, but need to be careful that she doesn’t hurt you again. Distance in this case is allowed. However, plan to forgive her in the future, and show respect all along the way, don’t get angry. I am certain that Allah (Most High) will send you ease and relief, if you exert patience.

Turn to Allah

I urge you to turn to Allah (Most High) during this difficult time. Make abundant du‘a, especially at tahajjud time, during the last hour of Friday (before Maghrib), and between the adhan and iqama for a compromise with them. Be regular with your prayers, read the Quran daily, and know that an opening will come. Allah has promised this in the Quran: “So, surely with hardship comes ease. Surely with that hardship comes more ease.” [Quran, 94:5-6]

Way Out

Seek help through your Lord and not through yourself. Find solace in that Allah’s promise is true, and He will help you through this. Allah (Most High) has told us in the Quran, “[…] And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]

Please see the answers here as well:

• Will Allah Hate Me for Cutting Off My Toxic Mother in Order To Protect Myself?
• To What Extent of a Boundary Can I Have with Dysfunctional Parents?
• What Exactly Is Patience?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.