Should I Tell a Mother What Her Teenager Is Doing Behind Her Back?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
A 13-year-old boy lies to his mother, secretly uses a phone, spends large sums on clothing, sells gift cards, and keeps bad company.
His mother is unaware of the full extent of his behavior due to his convincing lies.
Should I tell her the truth or suggest sending him abroad? What guidance does Islam provide in this situation?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your worry for this boy. Being a mother myself, I cannot but encourage you to tell his mother so she can guide her child and stop him from harming his soul.
Truthfulness
Believers must uphold the quality of truthfulness, even if it hurts sometimes. Consider this important hadith: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“It is obligatory for you to tell the truth, for the truth leads to virtue, and virtue leads to Paradise, and the man who continues to speak the truth and endeavors to speak the truth is eventually recorded as truthful with Allah.
And beware of telling of a lie, for telling of a lie leads to obscenity, and obscenity leads to Hellfire, and the person who keeps telling lies and endeavors to tell a lie is recorded as an inveterate liar with Allah.” [Bukhari]
Parents have a duty in Islam to guide their children according to Islam and protect them from adopting bad habits and sinning. Allah Most High has told us in the Quran,
“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones” [Quran, 66:6]
Wisdom
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]
When you tell her, do it with wisdom and gentleness. Avoid accusations, assumptions, or harsh language. Make sure you tell her privately. Advise her practically on how to help him. You can offer advice on sending him abroad, but leave it up to her, and don’t be pushy. She might not like the idea, or she might love it.
The boy’s underlying issues could be solved or worsened if not properly addressed. Advise her to speak to a local scholar or imam as well. He would certainly benefit from more structure, some sports, some classes, maybe at the mosque, and changing his company, all of which will take time and patience.
Dua
The single most important thing she can do is make dua for him. The dua of the mother is accepted, and if she seeks to help him through her Lord, nothing is impossible.
I urge you to tell her to make these supplications daily:
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً
“Our Lord! Bless us with (pious) spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74]
رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
“My Lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me.” [Quran, 28:24]
Please see these links as well:
- How To Safeguard My Son From Bad Influences and Keep Him Focused on Islam?
- Shepherding Our Sons And Daughters
- Educating Children
- My Teenage Son Is Not a Good Muslim
- How to Provide for Our Children without Spoiling Them?
- Parenting – A Reader
- Should We Beat the Child If He or She Does Not Pray?
- Should I Tell My Friend That Her Son Is Doing Drugs?
- As You Step Into the World, My Child–A Mother’s Advice about Entering High School
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
