How Can We Mend Our Relationship with Our Daughter Whom We Used to Hit?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My husband loves our children so much and is a very responsible and caring father. But he has anger issues. So to discipline the children, he used to punish them verbally and physically. We have four daughters and one son. My eldest daughter received much physical punishment. Now she is a doctor and blaming me; I should have stopped him, but I didn’t. She does not forgive her father.
Should my husband ask for forgiveness from her? I also punished the kids, but they don’t have any complaints regarding me. My daughter says that a father has no right to hit his daughters. We can’t change the past now. My husband admitted his actions were wrong, but what should we do now?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with the pain of realizing your mistakes, and I empathize with your daughter’s pain. In Allah’s infinite wisdom, we are all sinners, and we do our best to regret, repent and never repeat the behavior.
Mistakes
Your children were entrusted to you by Allah. As parents, you should have been the first to instruct them, as well as the first ones to protect them.
‘Abdallah bin ‘Umar reported God’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) as saying, “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The imam who is over the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is a shepherd in charge of the inhabitants of his household and he is responsible for his flock; a woman is a shepherdess in charge of her husband’s house and children and she is responsible for them; and a man’s slave is a shepherd in charge of his master’s property and he is responsible for it. So each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.” [Bukhari; Muslim]
Punishing your children in the way that you mention was potentially sinful and I urge you to repent to Allah Most High. Ask Him for forgiveness, learn Islamic law and the prophetic sunna properly, and ask Allah for guidance on how to mend this broken relationship with your daughter. Every relationship can be mended, but it will take humility and hard work.
Steps
- Turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, read the Quran daily, give charity regularly on behalf of your daughter, and build your relationship with your Lord. Allah sends no problem that He cannot solve, so ask for His mercy, kindness, and guidance.
- Ask her to try journaling; once she gets her emotions onto paper, it will be easier to process them and realize what she needs. Plan to see a therapist with her.
- Make up for lost time. Bond with her, send her gifts, invite her over, pray with her, be soft and generous, and apologize. He should ask for her forgiveness as this will break down many barriers.
- Follow this hadith in everything you do: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Majah]
Despair
Remember not to despair, for Allah (Most High) has said, “Say: My servants who have wronged yourselves, never despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.” [Quran, 39:53]
Please see these links for tips:
Can I Hit My Child?
Children and Sinful Parents
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
