How Can I Bring Myself to Have Another Child When I Am a Failure at Motherhood?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My child is two years old. I have done everything I can for him m so far, left my dream job to be at home, breastfed tirelessly, and have no help with childcare. I feel like a failure still. My child is always the one misbehaving. He cries and whines more than other kids. I’ve read several parenting books. I have given them so much of my energy, and nothing good has come of it. He doesn’t sleep or eat well. I find myself resenting motherhood. I want to give him a sibling, but I don’t think I’m worthy of it. I wish I weren’t being tested in this way. How do I cope with this when I feel like the worst mom? Muslim mothers should love their roles, but I don’t.

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for your patience, endless service, and devotion to your children. I pray that you stop being so hard on yourself and hand the matter over to Allah.

Children

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) encouraged all of us to have children, and he said, (Allah bless him and give him peace), “Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married, and whoever does not, then he should fast, for it will diminish his desire.” [Ibn Maja]

Knowledge

Your best tool is to stop relying on yourself but to rely on your Lord Most High. None of us are born with a manual on how to raise children, and most of us have only a few useful tools. You are worthy of having more children by your simple intention of raising your child as a believing Muslim. You are worthy because Allah chose you to have a child. You are worthy because your child deserves a sibling. Try these tips:

Watch Others

Instead of reading parenting books, I suggest that you get practical advice from religious people who have raised great kids. Visit others whose children are sleep trained, observe what they eat, how they eat, observe how much screen time they get, and observe how much time they spend outside. Befriend religious families of well-behaved kids, and you will learn a lot. Mostly, observe how the prophetic sunna and Islamic etiquette are applied in their homes. Finally, don’t compare, as this will only give you waswasa (baseless misgivings).

Supplication

Follow the sunna of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) in the way he treated children and supplicate to Allah for their guidance. Allah Most High says, “[…] Allah guides to His light whomsoever He wills;[…] [Quran, 24:35] It is imperative that you glance at these courses on raising children to know their rights and learn the seera to know your role model

• Traditional Methods of Raising Children
• Raising Children with Deen and Dunya
• Keys to Raising Righteous Children: Eight Lessons on Successful Parenting
• Rights of Children in Detail

Role Model

Another important tool is to remember that you are their first role model. Don’t complain and whine, as this rubs off onto children. Pray on time, read Quran daily, and have moments of quiet and contemplation. Your child will internalize all of this. Don’t be stressed out because your stress projects onto the child, sleep well (if you can!), eat healthily, worship well, and remember Allah often. All of this affects the environment of the house.

The Powerful Dua of a Parent

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.