How Can I Leave My Abusive Boyfriend When I Don’t Deserve a Pious Husband Anymore?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question:
I lost my virginity & I regret everything. He verbally abused me, cheated on me, and told me if I marry him, I would have a sad life. He doesn’t want to change a bit. I cry so much because of him. He’s such an evil person, and I don’t want to have a sad life marrying him. I have a fear if I marry someone else, he will find out that I’m not a virgin, and my marriage will be destroyed as everybody wants a pious spouse. I’m afraid of getting married now. Please advise.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for your regret and bring you together with a pious man. Anything is possible with Allah’s mercy, but you must take the right steps to receive that mercy.
Tawba
The first step always is to ask Allah to forgive you, sincerely repent with all its conditions, and never get close to another man until you are married. Allah is the Most Merciful of the merciful, and He loves to forgive His servants as He told us in His words, “Say, ˹O Prophet, that Allah says,˺ “O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. “[Qur’an, 39:53]
Please see the details of sincere repentance here:
Be strong
You must be strong and leave this man. He is preying on your weakness by abusing you and cheating on you. He doesn’t love you nor respect you; he is just using you and lusting after you. He puts you down to try and raise himself up; he abuses you because he has been treated like this himself and knows no better. Don’t think for a moment that you don’t deserve better than him because you do. Allah has the power to change hearts, situations, spouses, marriages, families, all of it, and it’s easy for Him. Walk away, don’t look back, delete his number and any contact on social media, and don’t listen if he begs you to take him back. Doing this will show you that you are above abuse and victimhood.
Regret
As for your belief that giving him your virginity will destroy your marriage, it is untrue. First, you must be sure that you never tell your future spouse about your past, even if he explicitly asks you. Revealing your sin would be haram. And remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and a successful marriage comes from Allah and from your sincerity, not from some criteria that you check off on a list. There is so much more to marriage than what your past entails.
Please see these links for more info:
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/can-we-deny-having-committed-sins-after-weve-repented-from-them/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/committed-zina-past-will-ever-get-married-good-muslim-man/
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
