Is It Permissible To Spy on My Wife if I Fear That She Is Involved in the Porn Business?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My wife has been lying where she is and who she is with. She blames me for spying. I acknowledge spying is wrong but a simple credit card shows deceit. I checked her phone I saw shared emails links of porn and illicit propositions. She said nothing happens. She said she will do what she wants or it is related to work, even after I saw a recording of them kissing. Is it better to blindly trust her or do I have any recourse? She refuses family mediation because of the risk of slandering her reputation.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with how disturbed you must be and hurt you are. May Allah help you both find a solution to this.
Cheating
It sounds from your question that your wife is being physical with another man. This is incredibly heartbreaking and burdensome and I advise you to pray istikhara about your marriage. I am a firm believer in second chances and repentance. You must first make the decision if you are ready to work very hard at mending this or whether you feel that you just can’t. If you decide to stay, my advice to you is that you make a sincere intention to save your marriage and bring her back into the fold of an Islamic marriage. A mountain of patience, logic, emotional intelligence, kindness, prayer, and supplication will be your tools.
Spying
It is prohibited to spy on one another in Islamic law, even if you have doubts about your spouse’s fidelity, and that includes checking her phone. Checking a credit card is not spying. It is wise, and a good habit, and should be done for every statement anyways. Please see these details on spying:
Can I Spy on My Husband?
Can I Check My Husband’s Phone for Pornography?
Mediation
I am happy to see that you want mediation and I highly encourage you to speak to a counselor, therapist, or another third party that you and your wife can agree on. If she absolutely refuses, discuss the matter with her alone. If she promises you that she is not involved in anything, you should give her a second chance. If she fails again, then you should really get both families involved, and take matters into your own hands. If she really is living a lie, she can’t take you down with her, you deserve a wife who loves you and respects you.
Resources
Please use the following resources to start working things out with her, and see which road Allah facilitates for you.
Course Suggestions:
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Reading Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
Should I Divorce My Wife Because She Has Cheated on Me?
My Wife Cheated on Me with Another Man
My Wife Has Confessed to Having an Affair. What Should I Do?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
