Does the Lack of Intercourse Mean That Our Nikah Is Nullified?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I have been married for almost 20 years and have two sons and I love my husband dearly. I’m sure he loves me but we haven’t had sex for years. My husband refuses to discuss it. He doesn’t initiate sex or any form of affection. We’ve never had a regular sex life but we both care for each other. 

1) Does the lack of intercourse (albeit consented by both parties) mean that our nikah is nullified? 

2) Is it permissible to get sexual gratification from masturbation if the wife has sexual desires but the husband does not want to have sex? 

3) Must the wife assume responsibility and take action if she is no longer attractive to her husband?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and pain. Being prevented from fulfilling your desires is contrary to the very reason for marriage and is a crime against you.

1) The lack of intercourse does not mean that your marriage is nullified. Your marriage is intact but deficient. Scholars mention that the very least a man should sleep with his wife is once in four months, but one of my teachers elaborated saying that once a week is a sustainable and healthy frequency for marital sex.

2) Masturbation is not permissible except in the extreme case that you fear falling into fornication with another man. Otherwise, take the means to weaken your desires until you decide what to do. See these links on that:

How Should I Deal with the Lack of Intimacy in My Marriage?

My Husband Does Not Want Marital Relations. What Do I Do?

3) A woman should take care of herself and take action if she is no longer attractive to him. This way she will be helping herself and her husband to get what they both want. She should lose weight, eat healthy, take care of her skin and hair, and always smell nice. There is no question that a man gets stirred up when he sees his beautiful and well-kept wife. Consider dancing for him in the bedroom and invest in new lingerie.

Options

The problem seems to be a very deep-dwelling one. Is there a physical problem that he is too embarrassed to speak about? Does he need to see a doctor? Why won’t he discuss it? You should open the doors of communication and explain to him that you are deeply hurt and saddened by this. Don’t get angry or accuse.

Finally, are you willing to stick around if things don’t change? Please consider what your future will be like without any intimacy and let that be your drive to fix this. See a therapist, talk to his doctor, take a course on Islamic marriage. Ask Allah to put a change in his heart and save the intimacy of your marriage. It is never too late. May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

Problems In the Bedroom Affecting Many Muslim Marriages

Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad 
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.