What To Do With a Mother Who Taunts, Curses and Fights With Me?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I know a Muslim must be good to parents, but what if, for over 15 years, on and off, your mother curses you? My mother taunts my work and my looks and calls me incompetent. This has caused psychological problems and low self-esteem. I sometimes reply, but this only makes it worse.

By the Grace of Allah, I have somewhat learned to stay silent, but occasionally when she brings up the past, I argue. In short, we fight a lot, and it’s getting worse with time. She also curses my future, saying I will get an abusive husband. When parents curse their children’s future, does it become true?

If I pray on time, she says it is nullified anyway because I fight with her. How should I cope with this, and what can I do to reduce these fights and maintain my peace? Over these 15 years, our mental health has been affected.

Answer

Sister, I am so sorry that you have gone through these problems with your mother. As a mother, I can tell you that her words significantly affect a daughter’s psyche, and a mother must always be kind and encouraging. May Allah help you through this.

I know that this is very difficult to hear, but the best thing for you to do is to walk away from a fight. You must form some coping mechanism to help you see the bigger picture. If the result is going to be a nasty fight, then do not even engage her, and don’t let it happen. Yes, it’s true that you get angry and can’t stand what she says, but you will feel worse if you let it escalate.

The Prophet (may Allah bless and grant him peace) put this into perspective when he said, “One is not strong because of one’s wrestling skillfully. They (His companions) said, ‘Allah’s Messenger, then who is strong? He said, ‘He who controls his anger when he is in a fit of rage.’”[Muslim]

One of the best solutions I have seen for a young girl who does not get along with her mother is to get married. I don’t know your age, but consider keeping your eyes open for a spouse and ask Allah to send you a solution. Turn to Allah with the Prayer of Need and ask Him to help you control yourself and make peace in the home. Especially ask Allah before dawn when He is looking for du’as to answer.

A parent’s du’a is answered against their children, but don’t fear; it does not mean you will have a horrible future. Your mother could flip her feelings and pray for your well-being, which is likely to happen.

When they are older, things usually calm down between mother and daughter, and the grandchildren come around. Remember that in the same way that a mother’s dua is answered, so is the du’a of the oppressed, so use it.

The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]

Although your mother is sinning by abusing you emotionally, don’t let this stop you from praying. Praying is one of your keys to success, and it is not all nullified because you have argued with your mother. Keep praying and be the best Muslim to have barakah and Allah’s good pleasure in your life.

Focus on praying, paying zakat on time, keeping away from the haram, covering yourself correctly, and reading some Quran daily with the meaning, even if only one verse. In your free time, exercise, eat healthily, get fresh air or take up a beneficial hobby or skill. Spend time with good, pious friends that you can lean on.

May Allah guide you through this and make your mother your best friend.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.