How Do I Deal with an Abusive Father and His Constant Shouting and Cursing?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I’m 24 years old with five siblings and live away from my family for education. My parents have created this toxic environment back home where they quarrel about everything. My siblings and I didn’t realize the effect they had on us. My father is all the time abusing my sister and mother verbally.

I’ll be moving back home soon, but I don’t know how to deal with all this again. I’ve tried telling my dad to talk nicely instead of shouting. He cursed me and my mum and told me how I grew up on his money. What am I supposed to do?

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah grant you and your mother patience and grant your father understanding, knowledge, and wisdom to improve himself.

Show Excellence

I empathize with your frustration, as it is not permissible for your father to treat you or your mother like this. The best of creation, our Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), taught us: “None of you truly believes until you love for your fellow Muslim what you love for yourself.” [Bukhari; Muslim] This applies to family relationships as well.

There are a few coping mechanisms that you can try while you are living at home.

• Restrain yourself from a mean or disrespectful response, as even silence is considered excellence to your parents;
• Do what he asks and make an effort to do it well. Don’t let his accusations be true;
• Keep yourself busy with good things, such as praying in the mosque, getting a part-time job, studying with a group, or learning a new skill;
• Walk away from conflict instead of getting pulled into engaging him unnecessarily, but do defend your mother;
• Speak up for yourself politely, or write him a letter explaining your feelings;
• Try journaling; once you get your emotions onto paper, it will be easier to process them and understand what you need;
• Spend time with good friends who are a positive and religious influence on you;
• Exercise, take your supplements, and get very fresh air every day. Never let your physical health suffer.

Always remember this Quranic injunction when you face him: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents. If any one of them or both of them reach old age, do not say to them: ‘Uff’ (a word or expression of anger or contempt) and do not scold them, and address them with respectful words. [Quran, 17:23]

Obedience

Please remember that obeying one’s parents is not obligatory in Islam; rather, it is obligatory to show them goodness. This does mean obedience at times, but not unconditionally. Please see more details on this in the links below.

Move Out

Rest assured that you will move out one day and marry, perhaps sooner than you think, and things will get easier, in sha’ Allah. Plan to live on your own sooner than later. Perhaps go abroad for a postgraduate degree. Many young people do not get along with their parents, only to become their best friends after they have their own children. Be sure not to repeat the emotional abuse cycle when you have children. Ask Allah to guide you away from living a life of fear and guilt and instead living a life based on love and inspiration.

Turn to Allah

Turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslim that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends you that He cannot solve, so ask for His mercy and guidance to a solution. He will surely come to your aid. If you ask Allah to change your father’s heart toward you all, that is easy for Allah to bring about. Please remember the dua of victims is always heard.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]

Forgive

Remember Allah’s words from the Holy Quran and contemplate on how Allah has sent you your father as your test, “O you who have attained faith! Behold, some of your spouses and your children are enemies unto you: so beware of them! But if you pardon [their faults] and forbear, and forgive-then, behold, God will be much-forgiving, a dispenser of grace. Your worldly goods and your children are but a trial and a temptation, whereas with God, there is a tremendous reward.” [Quran, 64:14-15]

Please read these excellent and relevant answers:
How Do We Deal With Parents Who Emotionally Abuse Their Children?
How Should I Sort Out a Dysfunctional Relationship With My Parents?
When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How?
To What Extent Should I Obey My Mother?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.