How Can I Deal with Verbally Abusive Parents without Showing Disrespect?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My parents, my mother, in particular, do not treat me well and try to find ways to abuse me verbally daily. I am a 20-year-old man, and I also have some dignity, but she always tries to find reasons to shout at me and use abusive language with me to the point where I can no longer bear it and start arguing with her.
This has become a daily routine, and I am really fed up with her behavior. I do not hate them, but how do I deal with her without breaking her rights as established by our religion? Kindly suggest to me any books or courses about the rights of parents so that I fulfill them and, at the same time, deal with them in a way that does not infringe upon their rights.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you have to deal with verbal abuse and insults on a daily basis. I pray that you find a solution by the grace of Allah.
Patience
In the face of such a challenge, I urge you to deal with her as I would urge any child who is verbally abused by their parents. Leave the room when she starts talking like this and ask her politely to stop the accusations. Don’t dignify her questions with an answer and just make dhikr. Even staying silent is great respect toward her. When you feel very angry toward her, remember that she has deep-seated issues, probably from her childhood, and pain that was never addressed and that she doesn’t know any better. Ask Allah to guide her as well.
Remember Allah’s words: “Obey Allah and His Messenger and do not dispute with one another, or you would be discouraged and weakened. Be patient! Surely Allah is with those who are patient.” [Quran, 8:46]
I recommend the following supplication and the ones in this link, as angels will them say the same supplication for you: Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical, and Emotional Wellbeing.
”رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُما كَما رَبَّيانِي صَغِيرًا.“
“My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.” [Quran, 17:24]
Move Out
Plan to live on your own sooner than later through your studies or career. Perhaps go abroad for a postgraduate degree. Many young people do not get along with their parents, only to become their best friends after they marry and have their own children. Be sure not to repeat the cycle of emotional abuse when you have your own children. Ask Allah to guide you away from living a life out of fear and guilt and instead living a life based on love and inspiration.
Turn to Allah
In the meanwhile, turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslima that you can be, pray on time, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends down that He cannot solve, so ask in supplication for His mercy and kindness. He will surely come to your aid.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
Please see these links as well:
- How Can I Go On With This Abusive Mother?
- Is It Bad That I Do Not Love My Mother Because of All the Stress That She Gives Me?
- How Can I Help My Abusive Mother and Help Myself?
- How Do I Deal with Emotional Abuse from My Mother?
- Do I Have the Right to Move Out, Away from My Toxic Mother?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
