Listen with Keenness
One’s etiquette in social situations is the key foundation to having strong relationships with others. This article is the twenty-ninth in a series taken from the On Demand Course: Discussion on Sulami’s Adab of Keeping Company.
A believer is somebody who cares. If you genuinely care for another, then it would entail each of these things.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) listened deeply. When he turned to someone he turned completely. He gave everyone who sat with him their share of his attention so much so that no one thought that anyone else was more important than they were.
Even if strangers came, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) would even interrupt other matters and give attention to them.
It is reported that a woman came and she was disturbed and upset. She had a number of concerns, she may have had some mental struggles as well. She said, “I need to talk to you,” and she was evidently upset. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) reportedly said, “You can sit in whatever pathway of Madina and I will sit with you until you are satisfied.” They brought a chair and the narrator said, “And I think it was from metal and placed it for her.” The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) sat with her, giving his full attention to her, until she was satisfied.
Similarly, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) interrupted his khutba to listen to someone’s concern. Someone came. They had questions. So the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) was giving a khutba, and they said it was probably not the Friday khutba. They came, they had questions and concerns. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) paused his khutba, and attended to the person completely. When they were done, he returned to his khutbah from where he’d stopped it, (Allah bless him and give him peace).
Turn toward the Speaker
Similarly, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) was lengthy of silence in gatherings. One of the reasons for this was that he would be listening deeply to others.
If someone spoke from the Prophet’s right (Allah bless him and give him peace), he would turn towards them physically.
If someone is speaking, look towards them. It is Sunna in the Khutbah to look towards the Khatib. Turn towards them. Why do we attend the Friday prayer? Allah says:
یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوۤا۟ إِذَا نُودِیَ لِلصَّلَوٰةِ مِن یَوۡمِ ٱلۡجُمُعَةِ فَٱسۡعَوۡا۟ إِلَىٰ ذِكۡرِ ٱللَّهِ
“O you who believe, when the call to prayer is made, on but a mere part of Friday, make haste to the remembrance of Allah” [Quran, 62:9; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
What is the remembrance of Allah? It is the khutba. Wherever you are seated, in the Khutbah, turn towards the Khatib with your body. Look towards him. Do not look around. Women could look down.
The etiquette of taking notes in someone’s class is that you should maintain a visual connection with them. The act of teaching is a connection between the teacher and the student. You should learn how to take notes in a manner that you can still keep that connection.
The Gaze Conveys Meanings
The gaze has been emphasized by the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). It has come in a Hadith, “Glad tidings be to the one who has seen me and glad tidings be to the one who has seen those who have seen me.”
The gaze conveys meanings just like one’s actions or words convey meanings. There is the gaze of anger, there is the gaze of acceptance, and there is the look of the one who is confused. There is the gaze of someone keen and concerned to hear the person.
The idea of a relationship is one looks at them with keenness. Religion is sincerely caring for another’s good. If someone is speaking, care to understand what are they trying to say.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) was not just listening to the person’s words, but he was listening to what concerned them, he was listening to what troubled them, he listened to what they were feeling. He responded to what someone needed. He responded according to what someone would benefit from.
Majesty and Mercy
Listen with keenness. This applies in a class, and a conversation, but it also applies to different categories of people. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) walked with resolve. The young companions would struggle to keep up. They described him, “It was like a spring of water going down the mountain.” He walked with purpose, yet he walked with dignity.
At the same time, if a young girl came to him and grabbed him by the hand, he would let her take his hand. He would be the first to initiate the greeting of peace, not just with elders and seniors. He would be the first to initiate the greeting of peace with children. Even though he was walking with purpose and majesty, he was also walking with mercy.
Who was more busy and who had greater time management than the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). Yet, someone grabbed him by his hand, he would not let go until they were done. What would little girls have in mind? They wanted to grab him to show what game they were playing or whatever concerns.
Drop Everything for Allah
Once the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) came out and a half-brother of Anas, his pet bird died. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) went up to him, patted him on the head, and said, “Oh little Abu Umair.” This is in the diminutive form, which indicates affection. “What happened to the little songbird?” It is mentioned that Imam al-Shafi‘i deduced over 70 etiquettes from this hadith.
Do not turn your gaze away from them when they speak. Do not interrupt them. Let them finish. If person A is doing their work and person B comes and says, “I need to talk to you.” The right thing for person A to do is to turn to them immediately. The etiquette is to drop everything.
When the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) turned, he turned completely. This is physical, but also he would give his attention right away. If you do notice somebody, then you give them their attention.
