Conflict Resolution: Four Fundamental Questions
This is the third in a series of articles on the key principles of dealing with conflict in accordance with the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) from the seminar The Prophetic Principles of Conflict Resolution.
There are four fundamental questions in life. What? Why? How and when? Logically, the why comes before the what and this is a result of reflection. Allah says:
وَيَتَفَكَّرُونَ فِى خَلْقِ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ رَبَّنَا مَا خَلَقْتَ هَـٰذَا بَـٰطِلًۭا سُبْحَـٰنَكَ
“And who reflect on the creation of the heavens and earth: ‘Our Lord, You have not created all this in vain; You are far above that!’” [Quran, 3:191; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
لَّقَدْ كَانَ لَكُمْ فِى رَسُولِ ٱللَّهِ أُسْوَةٌ حَسَنَةٌۭ لِّمَن كَانَ يَرْجُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلْيَوْمَ ٱلْـَٔاخِرَ
“Verily you have in the Messenger of Allah a splendid example for whoever hopes in Allah and the Last Day.” [Quran, 33:21. tr; Keller, Quran Beheld]
The why comes before the what. If you go to your friend who is wasting away their life and tell them, “Do you think you should do something with your life?” and they respond, “Yes,” what is the problem? The why is not clear.
Maulana Rumi says, “Stop searching for water. Acquire true thirst and you will find the water before you and all around you.” Do not stop searching for solutions but acquire true thirst. If the why is clear then the what is almost self-evident.
Pleasing to Allah
The purpose of conflict resolution is not ultimately to solve the conflict. A conflict is a test. Ultimately, the question for the believer is what response to this conflict will be pleasing to Allah?
A Believer is someone who knows they are a servant of God and his purpose is to act and respond as a servant of Allah, whatever comes his way.
Suhaib reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
Wondrous is the affair of the believer for there is good for him in every matter and this is not the case with anyone except the believer. If he is happy, then he thanks Allah and thus there is good for him, and if he is harmed, then he shows patience and thus there is good for him.
Being steadfast is they hold themselves firm on the actions and responses pleasing to Allah. This is important in how we approach conflict. Conflicts, difficulties, and tests are easier than ease. The problem with the happily ever after scenario is very often it is a route to hell and to drifting away. People may imagine everything is fine however, their relationship with Allah is not.
Whereas repeatedly, who are the people who returned to Allah? Those who became Brokenhearted for example the marriage failed and they returned to Allah, their business failed, they lost their job, they got sick or something happened that seemed difficult but they responded faithfully and they turned to Allah.
Time to Disengage
Some conflicts do not need resolution. If you are being oppressed, you might be able to resolve the situation but in some situations, you need to get out of there. The question for the believer in conflict is not simply to respond to the conflict but to step back and consider which choice will be pleasing to Allah. That helps us have perspective.
It may be very easy to get caught up in the conflict itself and if you merely look at the scenario itself, it is difficult to deal with. Sometimes you need time to deal with conflict. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) separated from his wives for a whole month. At Hudaybiyya, when the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) made the peace treaty with the Makkans, the Companions were shocked. When they were told to get out of their Ihram, initially they did not listen. What did the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) do? He disengaged, went back in his tent, and he consulted with Umm Salamah.
The perspective is not, “How do I deal with this?” Because you feel very limited, but rather, “How do I respond to this in a manner pleasing to Allah.”
Three Levels of Response
There are three levels of response. The first is, which choices are acceptable to Allah? Not all choices in resolving a conflict are acceptable to Allah.
The second question (which is a higher question) is, what choices are going to be pleasing to Allah? For example, you said that on December 1st, you would pay the final payment of the Mahr in full, it is obligatory for you to fulfill your commitment but, three months before, it is better to pay up early, a neglected Sunnah. The best of people are those who are best in repayment.
The third question is what choices are beloved to Allah? These of course require knowledge, either by learning or consultation. Often, people having a marital conflict seek if they can divorce, but rather, the question ought to be what should I do? Notice how many times the companions asked the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) about the best.
This requires wisdom. Wisdom is the ability to look at the consequences of actions. Wisdom typically comes with experience. It is found in our elders. It is mentioned in a chapter heading in Sahih Bukhara, “None is wise except through experience and none is forbearance except if they stumbled in life.” You have to learn those lessons.
Respond with Wisdom
How can you have a wise response? You need to stop and consider. You do not react but you respond with consideration. This requires consultation. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Consult the wise.” Consultation is not a weakness, whether it is religious consultation, professional consultation, counseling, mediation, or whichever way of consultation. Consulting is a strength.
Calm and patience is also required. You respond in accordance with what is of ultimate good and what will be pleasing to Allah. Do not react according to emotion because emotion can cloud judgment.
Deal with human beings on the basis of good character. That keeps things from escalating into what is worse, especially in conflict. Hold fast to good character. One of the foundations of good character and the most testing elements of good character relates to emotion which is, “Do not get angry,” as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) advised.
You should also uphold the mindfulness of Allah. Allah says:
وَمَن يَتَّقِ ٱللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُۥ مَخْرَجًۭا
“And whoever fears Allah, He grants him a way out of every plight.” [Quran, 65:2. tr; Keller, Quran Beheld]
You may either resolve the conflict or you may part in a good way but either way, it ends up being good for you. And Allah says:
وَیَرۡزُقۡهُ مِنۡ حَیۡثُ لَا یَحۡتَسِبُۚ
“And provides for him whence he could not even guess.” [Quran, 65:3; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
Conflict arises from our nature as human beings, our reality as being weak and needy. As Believers, we view conflict as servants of Allah and we strive to respond to it accordingly. The true believer acts and responds in accordance with the limits of Allah or the pleasure of Allah or what choice is most likely to be beloved to Allah and that requires certain things that have been mentioned above.
