Was It a Mistake to Reject a Suitor Who Would Not Agree to High Dowry?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
A guy broke his promise to marry me because my mother didn’t agree with his dowry (mahr). Now he is happily married and still, I am single. I am trying to get married but it’s become difficult for me day by day.
Was it my fault to agree with my mother? Why does Allah keep me waiting for marriage? I am 29 years old and my father has passed away.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration at being single, but I encourage you to trust in Allah and to marry a man for religion.
Mahr (Dowry)
The issue of high dowries has broken far too many engagements and has caused much bitterness among families, and is against the sunnah. We must remember what Allah has told us about marrying off our daughters: “Marry off the single among you, as well as the righteous of your bondmen and bondwomen. If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His bounty. For Allah is All-Bountiful, All-Knowing.” [Quran, 24:32]
In addition to this, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), told us: “The best marriage is the one that is most easy.” and, “The best dowry is that which is most easy.” [Abu Dawud]
And ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab said: “Do not go to extremes with regard to the dowries of women, for if that were a sign of honor and dignity in this world or a sign of piety before Allah, then Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) would have done that before you. But he did not give any of his wives, and none of his daughters were given, more than twelve uqiyah. A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her and says, ‘You cost me everything I own and caused me a great deal of hardship.’” [Ibn Majah]
Blame
That being said, I don’t think that you should look at your being single as your fault. It was destined not to happen, but you should learn a lesson from this. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, that we should choose a spouse for religion and that is not what you had done. Prioritize what is important next time, and don’t get hung up on money. Money comes and goes and I guarantee that it is not worth anything compared to religion and good character.
Turn to Allah
Turn to Allah wholeheartedly and ask of Him. Ask Him to facilitate your affairs for you, for even if your father is not there, Allah is your sufficiency and the best of guardians. In the meanwhile, take a course on marriage, gain knowledge, and serve Muslims as best you can.
Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Please see the supplications below and the useful tips:
Dowry
Some Rulings Related to the Dowry
Supplication For Getting Married
Supplication for a Spouse
What Advice Would You Give Me to Find a Spouse?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
