Should I Continue to Wait for a Boy Who Says He Will Propose to Me?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I’m unsure if I should continue waiting for a boy who claims to want to marry me. I prayed istikhara many times and received signs that were too hard to ignore, so I decided to go through with everything. We cannot marry right now due to family and personal reasons, so we decided not to be in contact with each other until then. The boy has asked me to pray for us as well, but lately, I’ve been getting different thoughts and doubts about his intentions. I tried istikhara again but felt like Allah has already given me an answer, so why ask again? This has been bothering me for months, and I want the doubts to stop.

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for keeping your distance from him and for wanting to do it the right way.

Istikhara

Praying istikhara was the best step you took for your decision, and I feel that you did follow your istikhara by accepting his proposal. However, are you currently engaged privately, or has he not yet proposed? Do your parents know? Accepting his proposal in private is not a good idea without your parent’s approval, nor does waiting for him to propose because you don’t know if he ever will. Waiting out a long engagement doesn’t make sense, either.

Don’t Wait

As such, I don’t think that you should tether yourself to him, and I feel that you should follow the Prophet’s advice. He said (Allah bless him and give him peace), “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (fitna) in the land and abounding discord (fasad).” [Tirmidhi] If you want to pray istikhara about walking away from him, there is nothing wrong with that.

Prepare

Make it very simple for the brother and ask him to propose to your father immediately. The nikah dates should be discussed among the families, and you should leave it up to them to act on this proposal. You shouldn’t be stressed about when a proposal will come and occupy your thoughts about this needlessly. The better thing for you is to occupy yourself with taking a marriage course, studying, learning your deen, picking up conflict resolution skills, getting in good shape, and using your free time for what you won’t be able to do later on.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.” [Bayhaqi]

Please see these links as well:

• Should I Get Engaged to a Man Who Wants To Delay the Proposal To Sort Out His Career First?
• Is a Year Too Long To Wait for an Answer From One’s Istikhara?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.