How to Deal with Feeling of Getting Cold Feet after Accepting a Marriage Proposal?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am 21 years old and about to get married to a religious man known for his excellent character. I do not know if I am worthy of him. I have done minor sins in the past but have repented. What if my past comes up, and it upsets him? I find his character and religion pleasing. I did not feel negative or positive after my istikhara, so I accepted the proposal.
However, he is eight years older, and since I do not personally know him, I do not know if I will be happy with him. He is not attractive nor homely, but his looks are not necessary to me anyway. What if I could find another guy who is closer to me in age? Someone more fun? I have accepted the proposal, but I am full of doubts now.
Answer
First, let me congratulate you on your engagement. It is refreshing to see a young religious woman marry a religious man. May Allah reward you for not having committed zina before this.
Know that you have followed the advice of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), who said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!.” [Bukhari and Muslim] You have accepted this proposal based on his excellent character and religion, following the Prophetic advice. May Allah bless your union for that!
As for your past sins, don’t worry about them at all because the Prophet told us (Allah bless him and give him peace), “The one who repents from sin is like one who did not sin.” [Ibn Majah]
If the topic does come up with your husband, know that it is sinful for you to reveal your past sins to him. Silence is better or even denying it.
Are There Valid Reasons to Reveal Sins?
It seems to me that you have cold feet. One can get doubts after making a big decision; there is nothing wrong with that. You should work through them one by one and pray to Allah to make you feel content and satisfied with your decision. Indeed, you don’t know him, but that is no reason to doubt having a successful marriage with him. You won’t even know if he is fun until you are married! Rather his excellent character and religion are huge indicators that he will give you his rights even if he is displeased with you, and when he is pleased, he will aid you in your journey to Allah and be a garment for you.
Check this link as well:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Be sure to take a course on marriage before the wedding and use your free time to prepare. Review your personally obligatory knowledge and know your rights and obligations regarding your husband. May Allah bless your union and give you the best of both worlds.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
