How Can I Learn to Stop Hitting My Husband?
Question
My husband has a son from a previous marriage. That marriage lasted 2 weeks, but my family and I were not informed. My husband had a criminal case and is on the SOR (Sex Offenders Register) for 5 years. He was not allowed to see our baby for many months, whilst social services did their duty.
These things made me very upset. While I was living alone, I checked his emails, and he was talking to unknown accounts. All this anger inside me hurts, so I hit my husband. I know I did wrong.
Please advise me, I am suffering from PTSD. I love him, but when he looks at girls or makes me angry or purposely scares me by driving fast, then laughs about it, I get scared and call him a dog and punch him.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am so sorry that you were duped by him and I pray that you can move forward with him and transform this into a happy marriage that is fulfilling, loving, and peaceful.
Deception
I understand that you are upset and hurt. You have undergone what no wife should undergo, and you have every right to be angry. What he did was haram, and lying to you and your family was sinful. He must repent for this, and he should try to make up for his deception by being a good husband, and being truthful from this point forward. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “The signs of a hypocrite are three: Whenever he speaks he tells a lie; whenever he is entrusted he proves dishonest; whenever he promises he breaks his promise.” [Bukhari]
Hitting
That being said, it is absolutely forbidden for you to hit him, punch him, call him a dog, or do anything else that is violent, abusive, or disrespectful. Would you like him to do that to you? Would you like your child’s spouse to do that to your child? It is unbecoming of a believer, let alone a woman, to behave like a tyrant. Fear Allah Most High and stop. Your child might also become abusive just by watching you.
I recommend an anger management course. I also recommend that you take the Prophet’s advice (Allah bless him and give him peace) for anger. He said, (Allah bless him and give him peace), “Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.” [Abu Dawud] And he said, (Allah bless him and give him peace), “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.” [Abu Dawud]
Please read this fatwa about spousal abuse being categorically haram:
Muslim Scholars On Spousal Abuse
Self-Care
I understand that you have gone through a lot by raising your baby alone in the beginning and suffering from PTSD. Please take the steps that are needed to heal from this chaos, and bring balance and peace back into your life. Turn to Allah in your impoverishment and fulfill your obligations to Him. Seek to find all of your solutions in the Quran and put Allah’s pleasure first in everything. Please use the resources below and nourish yourself spiritually, physically, and emotionally, and work on your marriage.
Being Balanced – Emotional and Mental Health- Shaykh Abdurrahim Reasat
How Can I Improve My Prayer when I Suffer from PTSD and Depression?
Chaos in My Life
How To Attain Focus, Patience And Stillness In A Chaotic World
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Muslima Coaching
The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace
25 Years’ Worth of Marriage Advice: Hina Khan-Mukhtar
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
