Can My Husband Refuse to Pick Up the Kids from School?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My husband doesn’t help with the kids. He thinks his only job is to earn. He works from home and still refuses to pick up our kid from school. He yells at me and forces me to go out and pick her up. I’m currently pregnant and waking up with sick kids all night, cooking, and cleaning all day. Is it permissible for him to force me to go out and pick up the kids?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and I’m sorry that your husband is being so stubborn as providing money is not all he must do. It is not obligatory for you to pick up the kids from school, and he cannot force you.
Mercy
In the spirit of an Islamic Marriage, I ask you to remember this. Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.” [Quran, 30:21]
Test
Abu Hurayra (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A Muslim, male or female, continues to remain under trial in respect to his life, property, and offspring until he faces Allah, the Exalted, with no sin record.” [Tirmidhi]
I pray that your husband comes to realize the above verse and realize what his job is as a parent. Without empathy, it’s difficult to strike the delicate balance of giving and taking. You will require open communication, without getting angry. No one is perfect and I urge you to see this as a test. Show patience, and strive to solve it in the best manner. The smart wife is the one who gets what she wants through love, openness, kindness and friendliness. When a woman uses this method, a man usually doesn’t know what hit him. This is the best way to get what you want while bringing about the pleasure of Allah Most High through noble character.
And the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]
The Islamic standard
Being a good spouse goes both ways according to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). The following hadiths embody what we should be aiming for.
The best wife was described in this hadith: It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything about herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Musnad of Ahmad]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Ibn Maja]
Turn to Allah
When facing any challenge, turn to Allah for help. Pour your heart in supplication to Him because He can send the solution to the problem that He sent in the first place. Be committed to your prayers, pray the Prayer of Need, read some Quran daily with the meaning, and give charity regularly, for the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” [Tirmidhi]
Resources
Please use the following resources to strengthen and improve your marriage, and ask your husband to read about his roles and responsibilities in parenting, which are many.
Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage
Answer Suggestions:
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
What are my children’s rights upon me?
Shouldn’t My Husband Do Chores in His Free Time to Help Me?
Love, Marriage, and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
