How to Deal with the Refusal after Approval for Our Marriage?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

When I prayed to Allah for a spouse, I started getting close to a man. We fell in love, and our families agreed to the marriage. A month later, he ended it as his family was concerned over our haram relationship. We did not talk at school or hang out, but still, they were unhappy. Every time I ask Allah about him, I immediately get a response.  My connection to him is spiritual.

My question is, what should I recite, or what dua should I make to ease our situation? Only Allah can unite us. He does not have the courage to talk to his father again regarding this. How can I get his family to agree again? Right now, I recite surah Yaseen after ‘asr and make dua. Then I read surah muzzamil after tahajjud, then make dua.  I wish to only be with him.

Answer

Thank you for your question. This is indeed a difficult situation because they initially agreed to the marriage, and then they pulled back. May Allah give you patience through this.

Pray to Allah Most High Without Bias

The Quran and dua that you are reciting for ease are perfectly fine. Turning to Allah Most High in this challenging time is good; there is nothing better for the heart than this. However, being attached to him emotionally is dangerous. Your statement that you want to “marry him and only him” matches this hadith of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), who said, “Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.” [Abu Dawud] Stopping all communication with him will help you ask Allah Most High objectively to guide you. Because you don’t know where your future stands, you should not invest in him emotionally anymore.

I cannot tell you if you marry this man is good for you, but you must see that obstacles have come your way. If his family does not change their mind, there is not much you can do. It may be, after all, that this brother is not suitable for you. Allah, Most High, says, “Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.” [Quran, 2:216] In that case, I can only advise that you be patient, turn to Allah, and ask for someone better than him.

Your Suitor Will Have to Speak Up

I don’t think a change in the situation can arise unless your young man speaks to his father. It may be that now is not the time. The father might be more flexible after thinking it over for a few months. In any case, he should pray istikhara and discuss it with him one more time, very seriously. If he is unable to do that, then he is submitting to his father’s will and you should stop all communication with him. Trust that Allah will send someone better for both of you.

Turn to Allah in Any Case

Always fulfill your obligations to Allah Most High first. He has the first right over you. Pray on time, pay zakat on time, eat only the halal, cover yourself correctly, and don’t engage in the haram. Pray to Him to send you what is best and purify your intention. If you have some heartbreak along the way, it will only make you stronger. If you get what you desire, be grateful! Please see the following links for more information on the topic.

Accepting a Suitable Proposal

I leave you with this hadith to contemplate. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (the charge) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (fitnah) in the land and abounding discord.” [Tirmidhi]

Kindly go through these readings:

May Allah reward you for wanting to complete half of your religion.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.