What are My Responsibilities Towards My Step-Son?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz A. Khan

Question: I wanted to ask you regarding my rights and responsibilities towards my husband’s son from his previous marriage. When we got married he came here and saw his son before he left at that time when he was 2 years old.

When he arrived I told him he should provide for him financially and he sent some money, which the child’s maternal grandparents accepted until his mother remarried after which they refused. My husband has revisited on many occasions with and without me and saw him only once in 10 years.

We have no children of our own and he says that maybe if we have his son live with us, Allah will remove our difficulty. Currently I am the main bread winner and pay for most things. The child is happy doing well in both school and Islamic studies.

I am going to be honest and say obviously this is not going to be easy on me. What are mine and his rights in fiqh?

Answer: Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,

I pray this finds you in the best of health states.

Legal Limits Versus Excellence

Before answering your question, it is important to appreciate the distinction between law (fiqh) and the way of excellence (ihsan): the former delineates legal limits, while the latter calls to the highest expressions of devotion and service. The prophetic sunna, then, is a way of beautiful balance, that both preserves one’s personal well-being as well as encourages the support of those in need.

In terms of Islamic law (fiqh), you are not obliged to do anything for your husband’s son other than treat him well, as you would any child. You do not have to allow him to live with you, nor provide any money or education to him. All of that is your husband’s responsibility, and his negligence in that regard would be sinful and totally unlawful. [Maydani, Lubab]

In terms of the spirit of the law and the way of ‘spiritual excellence’ (ihsan), anything you do for the child will be from the best forms of charity and will entail immense reward.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Allah has indeed prescribed excellence in everything.” [Sahih Muslim] He also said, quoting his Lord, “Spend O son of Adam — I will spend on you.” [Sahih Bukhari]

Allah Himself states, “Indeed, Allah commands to balance and excellence [in all things], as well as [specifically] giving to kinsfolk,” (16:90). Notice that along with excellence, we are ordered to be balanced.

Some Practical Considerations

Having said the above, it is important that your husband stand up on his own two feet and assume his responsibilities towards you and his child. Your help should not promote his negligence or laziness.

Also, whether you allow the child to reside with you is a decision you need to make for yourself. It is not a duty or obligation, but would be an immense charity. Yet it should not done if it will be detrimental to your marriage and your own family life.

Pray istikhara and seek counsel from people you trust, whether family, friends, elders, people of piety, or respected members of the community who have life experience and can advise you on a practical level.

And Allah knows best.
wassalam
Faraz

Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani