How Do I Deal with a Husband Who Gives Little and Takes Much?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

How should I address the imbalance in my marriage where I provide financially and emotionally while my husband contributes minimally and demands intimacy on his terms, including demanding oral sex, making me feel uncomfortable?

Answer

Thank you for your question. Your husband is not fulfilling your basic rights, and you should stop allowing it.

Marital rights

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “It is shockingly wicked for a person to withhold from those he is to provide for.” [Muslim]

A wife’s rights in a marriage include things like suitable accommodation, food and clothes, toiletries, etc., and other things usual for a woman of her social standing, as well as the right to live cordially without abuse or neglect. It is a religious obligation that a man provides financial rights to his wife, and you should insist that he pay for your food. He will be accountable for this on the Day of Judgment, and giving him a pass on this is making you resent him. His debt is irrelevant when it comes to your rights.

Conjugal rights

He must also fulfill certain conjugal rights, as the wife has as much right to have her sexual needs fulfilled as the husband has. When informed of `Abdullah Ibn `Amr’s neglecting of his wife’s conjugal rights, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) reminded him that, ‘Your wife has a right over you.’ [Bukhari] Satisfying him keeps him chaste and away from sin, and satisfying one’s wife’s desire prevents her from sin and temptation. Never presume a woman would be tempted any less than a man when his needs are not fulfilled.

Oral sex is permissible in the Shafi`i school, but you will have to open up with him about it and tell him that you are not comfortable. Be prepared if it makes him upset; perhaps you can find some compromise or alternatives.

Du`a

Please make this dua from the Quran daily:

  رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.