I Fear That My Past Will Catch up to Me. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I have been through a lot of trauma in the past, and have even attempted suicide. Alhamdulilah, I was guided to Islam through the man I want to marry, but have not told him about my past sinful relationships. I worry that the ghosts of my past will come back and haunt me. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Repentance

Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “Allah, the Exalted, has said: ‘O son of Adam, I forgive you as long as you pray to Me and hope for My forgiveness, whatever sins you have committed. O son of Adam, I do not care if your sins reach the height of the heaven, then you ask for my forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you come to Me with an earth load of sins, and meet Me associating nothing to Me, I would match it with an earthload of forgiveness.”‘ [Tirmidhi].

Dear sister, please trust in the indescribable Mercy of Allah. No matter how terribly you have sinned, Allah’s Mercy is greater than all of it.

Past

Only Prophets (Allah’s blessings and peace be upon them all) are Divinely protected from sin. Everyone else has made mistakes, some graver than others. You are not alone. Continue to make regular istighfar every day, and trust that Allah is capable of forgiving you and burying your past. Give in regular charity with the intention of drawing closer to Allah.

Sin

Please remember to never speak of your past sin to anyone. It is obligatory for you to conceal your sin. Refer to this resource to help you understand why: Is It Permissible to Lie In Order to Conceal Past Sins?

Trauma

You have accumulated a lot of trauma in your life journey. I encourage you to release this trauma through seeking professional help – is there a holistic healer, counsellor or psychologist you can speak to?

I encourage you to consider resources such as the trauma release work of Hakim Archuletta and Hafsa Hasan.

Marriage

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. You have described falling into sin with this man, so I encourage you to:
1) not delay your nikah
2) keep an appropriate distance between the two of you, until the day you marry.

Please educate yourself through courses such as Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages, lesson sets as well as podcasts.

I pray that Allah blesses you with the gift of a sincere repentance, and the gift of a tranquil, loving marriage which brings you closer to Him.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Reader on Repentance

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.