How to Convey My Husband about My Lack of Interest to Live with His Parents?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’m a newly married woman, blessed with a good man, but he doesn’t have a deep knowledge of the rights of a wife, like separate accommodation. We moved to his house in another country. After some months, his parents came to visit, but it turned out to be a permanent living situation. He is very eager to please them all the time.
He ignored my obvious discomfort, and after two months, I decided to withhold intimacy as it was hopeless. I don’t want to damage our relationship by yelling out my complaint about our communal living. The chores have increased; there were servants in my parents’ home but not here, less time, less privacy, fewer choices in food, less time together, etc. Am I in the wrong?
Answer
May Allah reward you for your patience, but you are in the wrong for your lack of communication and are heading down a path of destroying your marriage.
Communicate
As long as you don’t tell him what is wrong, you will never improve your situation. Things will get worse. Please drop the idea that he should read your mind and tell him everything without getting angry.
Emotional Intelligence
An emotionally intelligent woman will get what she wants without hurting anybody. Rather than holding back in the bedroom, you should be bright and use intimacy to get him more attached to you, desire you, and look forward to spending time with you. Otherwise, you are letting his parents win, and holding back and giving ultimatums never work. Your method also incurs the displeasure of Allah.
Priorities
Be open with your husband about what you need. Tell me that you are uncomfortable and restricted and need a few things to make this work. Ask for help around the house, ask for privacy, ask for date nights, and ask to go away on short vacations once in a while. Get a massage weekly if you need it, go to the salon, and don’t forfeit the things that help you relax and make you a better wife.
Contemplate this hadith and strive for this Islamic standard: It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said (Allah bless him and give him peace), ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything concerning herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]
Please see these links as well:
Having to Live With My In-Laws Is Difficult. What Do I Do?
Living with My Mother-In-Law Is Challenging. What Do I Do?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
