How Should I Interact with My Sister Who Has a Boyfriend?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My sister left Islam a few years ago. Now she has a boyfriend. She wants to eventually marry him. I wonder how to deal with their relationship now. I have a daughter and am very cautious about the examples she will see, and I don’t want to normalize illicit relationships in my home. That’s why I decided not to invite or see the boyfriend until they get married. Is that the correct way of dealing with all non-muslim unmarried couples? Do you have other ideas or advice on this matter? And is it permissible to have her over with him as soon as they get married?

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for being concerned about your sister and wanting what is best for her state of affairs.

Non-Muslim Couples

It is not strictly forbidden to invite non-Muslim couples (boyfriend/girlfriend) into your home, but that is totally different than when it’s your own sister. You should uphold a certain standard of relationships in front of your children, and I agree with you that you should invite them only when they are married. I am certain that if she comes over with her husband, she will enjoy watching your lifestyle and reconsider hers.

Islam

I’m not sure why she left Islam, but this is the bigger issue. Do what you can to be close to her and pray for her guidance. Try the following:

• Bond with your sister, and don’t talk about her disobedience at all
• Meet her outside the home, talk about her feelings, her past, her views
• Don’t ask her to pray with you if she refuses, but let her see you praying
• Bring fun religious positive people around her who won’t judge her
• Wait for her to ask you for advice because she will eventually tire of this lifestyle
• Make dua for her constantly, especially before dawn, between the adhan and iqama, and the last hour of Friday before Maghrib.
• Encourage her to marry this man, as you already are
• Last but not least, remain grateful that you are not in the position that she is in, and ask Allah to increase you in obedience.

Commanding the Right

Remember that commanding the good and forbidding the wrong is only done with conditions, and you are not responsible for her actions beyond that. The least you can do is hate it in your heart. Please see the conditions here:

• What Are the Criteria for Enjoining Good and Forbidding Evil?

Have faith that Allah will answer your dua and aid her, as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and say: ‘I supplicated, but it was not granted.’” [Muslim]

Please see these tips as well:

• How Can I Advise My Non-Practicing Sibling?
• Younger Sister Woes: Dealing With Wisdom & Leading By Example
• Guiding One’s Family Towards the Good: Advice & Tips

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.