How Do I Better My Relationship With My Mother?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am a 17-year-old student who’s trying his very best to be good to his single mother who is super controlling. She emotionally abuses me and refrains me from going out with my friends. She constantly makes me feel like I’m always wrong and gains sympathy from my other siblings. We’ve had hurtful arguments in the past.
Will it be right on my part if I live alone once I’m done with my studies? It has even gone to the point where she doesn’t want to pay my tuition fees.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and frustration. Having a controlling mother can make one miserable at home and one of the best solutions for you is to move out. There is no doubt that her single status has made her a bit more sensitive and fearful for her children, so understand where she is coming from.
Try your best and communicate
You are obviously not moving out tomorrow, so you need to try your best with your mother not to do anything unlawful. One must respect and be polite to one’s parents even if one does not agree with them. Don’t be scared of communication. Tell her that you love her but don’t agree with her on some things but you hate it when you both fight. Tell her that you will try to be better and ask her to do the same. Speak to her about her main complaints against you and seek a compromise. Tell her that if she would let you go out sometimes, you wouldn’t feel so angry. Appeal to her love for you and buy her a gift or show a small token of apology.
Anger
Work on your anger and identify your triggers. If you know which situations get you angry, you can walk away from them and not let your anger get triggered. When you have a hurtful argument with her, walk away before it gets worse and tell her that you just need some time alone. Try not to brood or dwell on the issue and train yourself to get over your anger on the same day. See this link about anger:
Work hard and turn to Allah
Do your best when you are away from your mother. Do your best in school and study hard. The better you do this, the easier it will be to support yourself, and you can gain her love and respect by giving her some money as well. There is no harm at all for a young man to move out but make the decision carefully after you are earning and consider staying with your mother until you get married. I am not sure if there is another male in the house, to help her.
Allah is the key. Show Allah that you are willing to do everything for Him and he will give you endless blessings even through your trials. Allah will always aid his oppressed servant. Do your part by asking Him because He loves to be asked and do what He requires of you as a Muslim. Review your personally obligatory knowledge, pray on time, pay zakat on time, keep away from the haram. Take a course at Seekers to learn about the halals and harams of daily life.
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
I Can’t Stop Misbehaving With my Mother. What Can I Do?
How Do We Deal With Parents Who Emotionally Abuse Their Children?
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
