How Can I Get Married If I Can’t Get over My Ex-fiance?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I fell in love and got engaged to a good man but due to jealousy, the engagement broke off. I cut all contact with him over a year ago but I still feel he is the one. I am very lonely and I wish to be married. Loneliness is hard and affects mental health. I think it’s a bad idea to search for a spouse until I resolve my feelings for my ex. But I still love him and would give him another chance.
Should I even pray for someone that Allah did not choose for me? How do I stop loving and hoping for my ex? Is this something I can control? Should I not talk to anyone for marriage until I get over him?
If so, then what about my loneliness and desires? I am not young and I had met my ex in a halal way. Should I stop thinking about marriage and try to manage my loneliness as best as I can?
There is a verse in surat an-Naziat about the people who restrained themselves from desires. Does this apply to me in repressing my desires and striving to be alone? Is it my test in this world to be lonely and long for marriage but not get it?
Answer
Thank you for your question.
The verse that you mention in Surah al-Nazi`at is the following: “And as for those who were in awe of standing before their Lord and restrained themselves from ˹evil˺ desires, Paradise will certainly be ˹their˺ home.“ [Qur’an, 79:40-41] This verse refers to those who refrain from sinful desires, disobedience, and unlawful deeds. [Qurtubi, Ibn Katheer] It does not refer to someone who has a natural sex drive and wants to marry to fulfill it.
This a very emotional thing because you are still attached to him. I must tell you that you need to let go of the past. It’s the only way to move on. By the grace of Allah, you will get over it.
-Build a support system of religious friends and family to help you.
-Focus on building your best self through prayer, dhikr, education, work and/or beneficial activities or hobbies
-This is key: Convince yourself that you would not take him back even if he asked and that you are ready to move on. Stop fantasizing about him walking in the door one day and snap back to reality
Give yourself a deadline, say one more month, and tell yourself that you have picked up the pieces and are ready to move on. You should ask Allah to help you and guide you through this pain and effort. You have no reason to think that you will never get married. You should be pro-active and positive and keep looking. Fight the loneliness by keeping yourself busy. Exercise every day, take up a hobby, see friends and family that are a good influence, and most of all do some charitable volunteering. Seeing the plight of others always makes one realize the gravity (or shallowness) of one’s own problems.
Controlling your desires is not easy, but if you do it for the sake of Allah, Paradise will be your home in sha Allah. I pray that you can resolve the past and move on. See these links for more information on controlling desires:
Controlling Sexual Desires When Marriage Is “Put on Hold”
Controlling Desires When Marriage Isn’t Practical
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
