How Can I Forgive My In-Laws for Their Terrible Treatment of Me?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
During my two pregnancies, I was mistreated by my in-laws. I had very tough pregnancies along with the regular symptoms of vomiting, etc. I was put on moderate bed rest for most of it because of an incompetent cervix. My in-laws did not understand what I was going through and I was constantly yelled at for not doing chores when doctors had strictly advised against it. Otherwise, there was a risk of my stitches opening & and I’d give birth prematurely.
My daughter arrived early and I left it at that time but they did it again during my second pregnancy. I can’t forgive them. My husband says to have patience and forgive them but I can’t. He helped me through this and took my side but I can’t forgive them. How do I overcome this?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and suffering but you can’t go on like this. Having an unforgiving heart will affect you and your family negatively, bring darkness into your heart and not allow you to move forward and heal.
Forgiveness
This is the cardinal rule for Muslims who engage with each other. Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “Obey Allah and the Messenger, so you may be shown mercy. And hasten towards forgiveness from your Lord and a Paradise as vast as the heavens and the earth, prepared for those mindful of Allah. They are those who donate in prosperity and adversity, control their anger, and pardon others. And Allah loves the good-doers. [Quran, 3: 132-134]
Showing mercy to others is central to Islam, as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever does not show mercy to the people, Allah will not show mercy to him.” [Tirmidhi] You have already forgiven him in your heart, so you have fulfilled the hadith of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace).
Grudges
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Neither nurse a grudge nor sever (the ties of kinship), nor nurse enmity.” [Muslim]
You will never heal if you continue to hold a grudge, and eventually, your husband will resent you for it. Forgive them for him, so you can be a happy family, and so your children grow to love and respect their grandparents.
Remember they will learn from your behaviour. Life is full circle, and you might find trouble with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law if you go on like this with your in-laws. How can you expect to be forgiven on the day of Judgment if you don’t forgive others? Exert patience, overlook, forgive and know that you deserve peace and stillness in your heart. Don’t let your in-laws take that away from you.
Remember that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Ibn Maja]
Please see these links as well:
How to Handle Mean In-Laws
How to Deal with the Criticism of In-Laws?
Is It Sinful To Not Forgive Others?
Is it Obligatory to Forgive Others? How to Deal with Abusive Family Members?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
