How Do I Manage a Husband Who Is Lacking in Everything?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am 27 years old, and my husband is 43. My husband has some severe obsession with his ex-wife, he also loves to engage with the opposite sex but can hardly look at me or even talk with me. He looks at inappropriate content to force intimacy with me disregarding my health or well-being. Even then, he would never consider my sexual needs, and as soon as he was done, he would turn over and sleep.

He lacks in his five prayers, and his lack of manliness in the house is unbearable. I have raised these concerns with him, but I have failed. I am extremely exhausted by being his mother, I keep reminding him that it’s not my job to wake him up for fajr. Please guide me to make my life worth living.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, and I pray that you can come to an understanding with him and, at the very least, stop nagging because it will only make things worse.

Mother

The key word in your complaint is mother. You should not behave like his mother; as long as you do, he will remain disconnected from you. Do not tell him to pray, do not tell him to do his adhkar (dhikrs-remembrance of Allah), and do not try to train him like he is your son. You must not think that it is your job to change him, it is not. Accept him for who he is. Focus on your own obligations and religion, and in sha’ Allah, he will be inspired by you.

Indecency

Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behavior to their women.” [Tirmidhi]

If your husband has an addiction to watching the haram on screens, then you must make dua and ask him to overcome it. Unfortunately, when a person is not ready to change, it can’t be forced. I suggest you give charity regularly, asking Allah to guide him and speak to him in earnest. Giving up this problem, and praying regularly will automatically solve many other problems, by the grace of Allah. I ask you to put your all into this marriage before looking at other options.

Marriage

You must do what you can to mend this marriage before things take a toll, so I urge you to use the following marital resources to improve communication. Take courses, read books together, and read these articles and answers below. Make this hadith your standard as a wife: It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best?” He said, “The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything about herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.” [Ahmad]

Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage

Answer Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage

Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

Please see these resources and excellent tips on your particular problems:

• A Reader on Pornography and Masturbation
• My Husband Doesn’t Pray: How Do I Advise Him?
• My Husband Doesn’t Pray
• My Husband Mistreats Me and He Doesn’t Pray
• My Husband Is Lazy About His Prayers. How Do I Convince Him?
• My Husband Does Not Pray, Has Cheated on Me, and He Jokes About Having Affairs.
• What Does Islam Say About the Neglect of the Wife’s Sexual Rights?
• My Husband Does Not Satisfy Me During Marital Relations. What Can I Do?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.