How Do I Get Over the Regret of Having Haram Relationships?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I was sexting a man, but we weren’t in a relationship. Then he stopped talking to me, and I felt awful and said I wouldn’t do it again. I did do it again, except this turned into a 5-month relationship. The last two months were more of us fighting than doing anything explicit. I tried to stop several times during that period but couldn’t.
Now, I stopped. I don’t know how to move forward or what to do. I feel repulsive and more confused about who I am. I’ve always been unsure of myself, but now I feel stupid and numb. I am at the age of marriage, but every time I look at the potential husband, I think I can’t marry him because I am impure. I know Allah gave me so many chances to end it sooner, but I was dumb.
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for your sincere repentance, and may you use your regret to strengthen your faith and practice.
Repentance
Feeling stupid, dumb, foolish, and full of remorse are the keys to strong faith. Repent sincerely, and correctly and don’t repeat it. Allah is ready to forgive, so don’t hesitate to ask for His forgiveness.
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “When half of the night or two-thirds of it is over, Allah, the Blessed and the Exalted, descends to the lowest heaven and says: Is there any beggar so that he be given? Is there any supplicator so that he be answered? Is there any beggar of forgiveness so that he be forgiven? (And Allah continues it saying) until it is daybreak” [Muslim]
Please see the conditions of repentance here: What Are the Conditions of Making Tawba?
Future Spouse
Do not tell yourself that you are impure and don’t deserve a good man. You do. Marry a pious life partner, according to the Prophet’s advice (Allah bless him and give him peace), who said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari; Muslim]
This advice applies to both genders. Ignore this waswasa (baseless misgivings) that you are not good enough and search for a man that will help you become a better Muslim.
See these links to see the qualities of a good spouse:
- What Should I Look for When Marrying Someone for His “Deen”?
- Important Traits to Look for in a Prospective Spouse
Moving On
Here are a few steps that you can take:
- Attach your heart to Allah and His Messenger and strive to fulfill your duties to Him. Accept what comes to you from Him with humility, servitude, and submission to His will;
- Pray on time, read the Quran daily and learn about your religion and practice as much as you can, channel your pain and regret into sincere dua to Allah;
- Keep the company of good religious girls who have a positive influence on you and don’t spend too much time alone;
- Keep yourself busy with beneficial activities, and hobbies, or acquire a new skill, get fresh air and exercise;
- Don’t ever mention these illicit relationships to your future husband, and trust that Allah will place love in your hearts for each other, regardless of your pasts.
Please see these links as well:
- How Do I Repent from Having Boyfriends in the Past?
- Confused After Breaking up With My Boyfriend
- How To Come Out of a Haram Relationship?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
