How Do I Deal with My Threatening Future In-Laws?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
Things have been difficult for months with my fiancé and her family. They are trying to take complete control over my decisions and life, my job, the time I spend, daily decisions, etc. I never disrespect or harm them, but I don’t want to be their toy either, so I have kept my distance from them lately. She is not open to communication because she doesn’t accept my feelings. In case of separation, she constantly threatens that her family is dangerous and would harm my family and me. She also talks about suicidal thoughts that come to her mind if I were to separate. What could I do in this situation? What kind of duas can you recommend to me?
Answer
May Allah give you the strength to make the right decision, as I’m not sure why you are succumbing to their threats and pressure in the world.
Marriage
Allah Most High tells us the reason for marriage: “And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.” [Quran, 30:21]
And the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us what us kind of people to marry, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, or your hands will be covered in dust!” [Bukhari; Muslim]
And he said (Allah bless him and give him peace), “Marry a loving, fertile woman, for I will boast of your abundance on the Day of Judgment.” [Abu Dawud]
Threats
I am sorry that you have gotten engaged to a person who is threatening suicide and keeping you suffocated under her family’s wing. The bottom line is that you must pray istikhara about going through with this marriage. Your fiance has already not displayed the respect and honor that is due to you, nor have your future in-laws given you the space, confidence, and respect you deserve as a future son-in-law who is taking a covenant to take care of their daughter.
Both have overstepped their bounds and lacked Islamic character, and if you think that marriage will make things better, know that it usually doesn’t. As for threats of suicide, that is a typical psychological trap that many people use to get what they want. If you decide to leave, don’t flinch and walk away, she and her family will be just fine by the grace of Allah.
Supplication
I urge you to ask Allah to show you the truth of the matter. Ask him for a loving, modest, intelligent, pious girl who fears God in how she behaves. Search for someone with a kind and religious family who is not shallow, immature, and vengeful. Intend to treat your wife with excellence and ask Allah to send you the same.
Intend the fulfill the Quranic verse above. Ask Allah before dawn, the last hour of Friday before maghrib, and give charity until it is clear. All the while, guard your prayers, learn your religion and keep the company of the righteous.
Please see these links as well:
How Can I Stop an Engagement Which I Am Unsure About?
What to Take into Consideration in a Marriage Proposal?
How to Graciously Walk Away from a Girl I Was Getting to Know for Marriage?
Advice on Breaking an Unwanted Marriage Engagement
Istikhara, The Prayer of Seeking Guidance: The Ultimate Guide – A Reader
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
