How Can I Have Good Relationships with My Siblings?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’ve noticed narcissistic traits in my family, especially my brother. Despite the abuse, I desire a relationship with him. However, he avoided me after I called the police, and he was caught. He is manipulative, so I confronted him, and he still tries to manipulate and gaslight and then act like he didn’t lie. He breaks promises to my parents. I stopped talking to him, but I want to start again.
My sister restricts my role with her kids, claiming I can’t teach or discipline them. I feel isolated, and my sister becomes abusive. My brother’s wife seems to use me for information, then stops communicating. I feel unheard and dismissed about my trauma. I’m seeking guidance on family dynamics and promoting a healthier environment.
Answer
I pray that your relationships with your siblings will be mutually understanding and that you will help them find their faults and recognize your own.
Abuse
Narrated Anas: Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, ‘O Allah’s Messenger! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?’ The Prophet, upon him be blessings and peace, said, “By preventing him from oppressing others.” [Bukhari]
You seem to have no problem standing up to your siblings and calling the police on them, but I challenge you to understand and connect with them. If you feel isolated, perhaps there is something that you are doing wrong. Are you critical, judgmental or bossy? Do you do nice things for them? Try gentleness and give them time. Don’t complain, and try not to be negative. You might be rushing it, and they are not ready to have a stable relationship with you.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja] Please always follow this when you speak to them.
Turn to Allah
With any difficulty, turn to Allah Most High and devote yourself to Him. Channel your complaints into du`a to Him, pray on time, read Quran daily, and learn what your obligations and rights are in marriage. Please take a course on Islamic character with your husband, in sha Allah, you will find much benefit.
Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “And they are those who endure patiently, seeking their Lord’s pleasure, establish prayer, donate from what We have provided for them—secretly and openly—and respond to evil with good. It is they who will have the ultimate abode: the Gardens of Eternity, which they will enter along with the righteous among their parents, spouses, and descendants. And the angels will enter upon them from every gate, saying, “Peace be upon you for your perseverance. How excellent is the ultimate abode!” [Quran, 13:22-24]
And Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “Today I have indeed rewarded them for their perseverance: they are certainly triumphant.” [Quran, 23:111]
Please see these links as well:
Siblings and Verbal Abuse
How Do I Deal With Abusive and Condescending Siblings?
How to Deal With Difficult Siblings?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
