What Should I Do as My Boyfriend of Five Years Still Won’t Propose?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
What should I do if my partner, who is younger and financially strained like me, didn’t commit to marriage despite my mother’s offer to support us financially, and his parents refused due to his financial constraints?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, but thank Allah that he showed you a sign that this man is not serious about marrying you.
Istikhara
Praying istikhara is the best step you can take for your decision, but he hasn’t even proposed even though he was given the opportunity. Waiting for him to propose is not worth it because you don’t know if he ever will. A man who won’t even approach his parents about marriage is someone who doesn’t want to get married right now and is probably just looking for a part-time girlfriend to spend time with because he doesn’t like being alone. I find it disrespectful and dishonourable to waste your time and emotional investment and not commit. Please repent for this 5-month relationship and run away from him.
Don’t wait
Don’t tether yourself to him, keep yourself available for another good man who might come. Follow the Prophet’s advice to guardians, who said, (Allah bless him and give him peace), “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (fasad).” [Tirmidhi]There is nothing wrong with away as he has promised you nothing.
Prepare for the right guy
Occupy yourself with good things. Take a marriage course, study, learn your deen, pick up conflict resolution skills, get in good shape, and use your free time for what you won’t be able to do later on. Develop a closer relationship with your Lord so you don’t feel the need to talk to boys unnecessarily. Ask him to send the right man to you at the right time, and get married through the right process. And thank Allah Most High for your mother because she sounds like a fair woman who brought the truth to light.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.” [Bayhaqi]
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[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
