What Should I Do About Parents Being Rude to Me?
Answered by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Question
My parents and sister don’t speak to me respectfully. I always feel stupid around them, and they treat me as if I do nothing. I have a wife and a baby boy, but they still want to control me.
They think of me as a stupid person, and when they need something, they will speak in a pleasant tone. I try to respect them, but it is getting too much now.
What must I do?
Answer
The Status of The Parents
In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate. May Allah alleviate our difficulties and guide us to that which is pleasing to Him.
Allah has commanded us to be kind to our parents. Allah said: “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them, but address them in terms of honor. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say, My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they raised me when I was small.” [Quran, 17:23-24]
Allah linked the command to obey one’s parents with worshiping Him. He also connected the prohibition of associating anything in worship with Him. In this regard, the mother’s rights are even more than those of the father. Similarly, our close relatives have rights over us in Sacred Law.
Therefore, if you can save your relationship with your family without severing ties or moving out, then spare no effort and no expense, and may Allah ease the way.
Abuse
It is prohibited for your family to abuse you in any way, and you must prevent this abuse however you can.
Can you stand up for yourself? Can you tell them that it’s difficult for you to be a good son and sibling when they cause you so much pain? If nothing changes, you will have to consider moving away.
I’m not sure whether you live with them, but can you consider moving out or in with a relative to show them how serious you are about the abuse?
Having a toxic family is not easy, but I am confident that you will find a way out if you seek a solution through Allah.
See these tips as well:
My Mother Emotionally Abuses Us and Her Husband
Abusive, Toxic, and Mentally Ill Mother
Living Alone
Nothing in the sacred law prohibits you from moving away (assuming you live with them), whether out of choice or necessity. Your mental and physical well-being should be a priority, and you must not accept abuse.
Please see the details of living alone here:
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad has answered this question, and you may find the details relevant as well:
As a Woman, Can I Move Out of My Abusive Mother’s Home?
I pray this is of benefit and that Allah guides us all.
[Shaykh] Irshaad Sedick
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Shaykh Irshaad Sedick was raised in South Africa in a traditional Muslim family. He graduated from Dar al-Ulum al-Arabiyyah al-Islamiyyah in Strand, Western Cape, under the guidance of the late world-renowned scholar, Shaykh Taha Karaan.
Shaykh Irshaad received Ijaza from many luminaries of the Islamic world, including Shaykh Taha Karaan, Mawlana Yusuf Karaan, and Mawlana Abdul Hafeez Makki, among others.
He is the author of the text “The Musnad of Ahmad ibn Hanbal: A Hujjah or not?” He has served as the Director of the Discover Islam Centre and Al Jeem Foundation. For the last five years till present, he has served as the Khatib of Masjid Ar-Rashideen, Mowbray, Cape Town.
Shaykh Irshaad has thirteen years of teaching experience at some of the leading Islamic institutes in Cape Town). He is currently building an Islamic online learning and media platform called ‘Isnad Academy’ and pursuing his Master’s degree in the study of Islam at the University of Johannesburg. He has a keen interest in healthy living and fitness.
