What Can I Do About Parental Abuse?

Question: I am having difficulty concentrating on my studies because of parental abuse. It has completely damaged me, and it makes me feel to seek revenge against my parents who ruined my life. It is mentally and emotionally affecting me and my studies to a point that I want to either commit a homicide or suicide. I am extremely scared to know Islamic solutions to my problem because Islam is biased towards parents and neglects children.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Please do not think that Islam is biased towards parents, rather it is merely culture that has made you think that children can be neglected, in reality, there is a perfect balance.

Abuse

I am sorry that you have gone through abuse and suffering from your parents. Rest assured that they will be asked about this and must repent. It is not permissible to insult, humiliate, neglect, or abuse children of any age, in any form whatsoever, and any parent should be ashamed of doing so unless he is ignorant, careless, or a fool.

Revenge

I am concerned that you are considering committing a crime from what you have gone through. Revenge, generally speaking, is reserved for Allah, Most High. His name “Al-Muntaqim“ means The Avenger,  The Disapprover,  The Inflictor of Retribution, and He seeks revenge for us so that we do not have to. I ask you to leave it in the hands of Allah, because if you take this matter into your own hands, you will never be satisfied, let alone the fact that it will be criminal and you will be wrought with remorse.

Healing

Instead of revenge, take the road to healing. Please consider some kind of therapy that you are comfortable with. Start with talking to a friend, an elder, an imam, and work up to a psychiatrist, or another professional that might help you. It might even make you feel better to communicate with your parents about it. Give them a chance to apologize or at least recognize that they hurt you.

Writing down your feelings can help reduce the intensity of your feelings, and help lessen your deep-seated desire for revenge. If you do not like to write your feelings down on paper, try talking to someone about your emotions.

Take steps to get yourself into a better situation. Can you live apart from them? Can you spend more time with religious and positive people? Can you find a tutor to help you get past your problems with your studies? Can you find a way to argue with them less and spend more time focusing on self-care, such as exercising, or taking up a beneficial hobby or skill in your free time?

Goodness To Parents

Ibn Mas’ud, Allah be pleased with him, narrated, “A man asked the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, ‘What deeds are the best?‘ The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said,‘ (1) To perform the (daily compulsory) prayers at their (early) stated fixed times, (2) to be good and dutiful to one’s own parents, (3) and to participate in Jihad in Allah’s Cause.’“ [Bukhari]

It is your personal obligation to be respectful and kind to your parents, and I urge you to find the ability to do so. This does not condone what they did to you, but it shows Allah that you fear Him and that your parents cannot come in between you and Allah, no matter what.

Turn To Allah

One of the best things that you can do in your life, especially when you have big problems, is to turn to Allah with your mind, body, and soul. Ask Him to help you, pray to Him regularly and on time, and channel your emotions into supplicating to Him. Verily, Allah does not neglect a victim.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.” [Tirmidhi]

May Allah help you through this difficult time and may you use it to empower yourself and make you stronger.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.