How to Deal with Our Abusive Father?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am 30 years old, waiting for my wife in Pakistan to join me, and I live at home with my parents. My wealthy and well-known father has never been loving to us, and his abuse has increased as we have gotten older. He hates us, fights with my mother and me constantly, and speaks very low of us to his beloved siblings and nephews. He threatens not to let us inherit his wealthy empire, nor does he pray or fear God. I pray on time and support myself financially, but I am breaking down because of him. I beg Allah to save us from his oppression, hatred, and maliciousness.
Answer
I am so sorry that you are having to put up with this abusive father despite being a good son to him. Allah Most High is testing you, so you must protect yourself while maintaining a delicate balance of respect and distance.
First, read this article for more detail and the shari’ah standpoint:
How Can I Help My Mother Despite My Abusive Father?
Secondly, you must ensure you don’t bring your wife into this home. It will be a nightmare for her, and she has a right to separate housing. Also, according to Islam, the only way for you to start healing from this is to leave the house and start living and running your household.
Can you speak to your mother about any solutions? Can you move out and take her with you? Does she want to leave him, or does she want to live out her days with patience and perseverance? Regardless of her options, you must do your best to go when you can.
Talk to Your Father
In the meantime, speak to him when he is calm. Ask him what he would like from you and tell him that you feel hurt. Make it personal without getting angry. I think your father was a victim, perhaps from some trauma or abuse, and never healed from it. Not praying and not fearing God makes one’s life quite miserable and full of darkness, and he doesn’t know how to escape and come into the light to heal. He might even envy you because you recognize God’s power and authority and derive peace from it.
Seek Help from Allah Most High
Continuously ask Allah Most High for help, pray the Prayer of Need, and give charity regularly because charity alleviates problems. Ask Allah to guide you continually, increase your knowledge, and support your mother. Please listen to this podcast because I am worried about your mental health:
Being Balanced – Emotional and Mental Health- Shaykh Abdurrahim Reasat
How Do I Deal With an Abusive Father?
How to Deal With a Verbally Abusive Father?
May Allah Most High give you the best in this world and the hereafter.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
