How Should I Deal with My Sister Who Confided in Me That She Has a Boyfriend?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My sister told me she has been in a relationship with a guy for a year, and I’m the only one she trusts with this information. I made it clear that I disapproved of this relationship due to obvious religious and cultural beliefs, but I told her that I wouldn’t force her into doing something against her will. But I’m still very bothered by it. Did I do anything wrong? Would I be considered a dayyuth? And do you have any advice on how to deal with this issue?

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for being concerned about your sister and wanting what is best for her religion and worldly affairs.

Dayyuth

You are not considered a dayyuth in this situation because her relationship bothers you, and you have stated your disapproval to her. Please see the details here:
Am I a ‘Dayyuth’ If I Let My Wife Go out Without Hijab?

Advice

She knows what is right and wrong, and you have reminded her of that. Remember that commanding the good and forbidding the wrong is only done with conditions, and you are not responsible for her actions beyond that. The least you can do is hate it in your heart. Please see the conditions here:
What Are the Criteria for Enjoining Good and Forbidding Evil?

Steps

My advice to you is to try these steps:

• Bond with your sister and don’t talk about her disobedience at all
• Go out with her, talk about her feelings, her past, her views
• Don’t ask her to pray with you if she refuses, but let her see you praying
• Bring fun religious positive people around the house who won’t judge her
• Wait for her to ask you for advice because she will eventually tire of this lifestyle
• Make dua for her constantly, especially before dawn, between the adhan and iqama and the last hour of Friday before Maghrib.
• Encourage her to marry this man and/or encourage him to propose
• Last but not least, remain grateful that you are not in the position that she is in, and ask Allah to increase you in obedience.

Parents

You may reach a point where you have to tell your parents about this. It is their duty to protect their daughter from disobedience, especially from something that can ruin her reputation, or something worse (like falling pregnant). Please pray Istikhara on this point and tell her that her secret can’t go on forever. Other than this, it is recommended for you to love her, pray for her, remind her of Allah, and treat her well.

Have faith that Allah will answer your dua and aid her, as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and say: ‘I supplicated, but it was not granted.’” [Muslim]

Please see these tips as well:
Siblings and Verbal Abuse
How Can I Advise My Non-Practicing Sibling?
Younger Sister Woes: Dealing With Wisdom & Leading By Example
Guiding One’s Family Towards the Good: Advice & Tips

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.