Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I want to enquire about the right of husband and wife towards their parents once they are married. Unfortunately, the Prophet’s parents (Allah bless him and give him peace) passed away while he was young, and not much is recorded about him and his in-laws. I find it challenging to find a set of guidelines for similar situations hence seeking your advice. My query is that my wife is constantly in khidma (service) of her parents; she has two adult brothers, but her entire family relies on her help as she is the oldest, and we have two toddlers. Because of this, we’re going through difficulty, and less time is spent with each other.

Answer

Thank you for your question. You have asked the age-old question. It has always been and always will be a challenge to serve everyone in the family and still find time for things that are important to one. May Allah make it easy for you all.

Husband

Allah Most High says in the Quran, “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” [Quran, 30:21]

Also, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The most perfect of faith of the believers is the best of them in good character – and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.” [Tirmidhi]

Another hadith relates, “Any woman who dies with her husband happy with her will enter Paradise.” [Tirmidhi]

It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything concerning herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]

The above texts are just a small sample showing that a wife’s obligation is to her husband first. She should obey him in what he requests of her, as long as it is not haram or makruh (disliked). She may not serve her parents in a manner that he dislikes but rather serve them in a way that satisfies all parties. This requires discussion, planning, and compromise. There is no question that her brothers should be helping them, too, as caring for parents is meant to be shared between children. Also, the toddlers may be suffering if they are not getting their due attention.

Please see those details here:

• Fiqh of Financially Supporting One’s Parents and Relatives
• What are my children’s rights upon me?
• Rights of Children in Detail

Steps

I recommend the following steps, so everyone finds peace.

• Ask Allah to grant you guidance on how to proceed without infringing on anyone’s rights or making anyone feel neglected.
• Make dua at tahajjud time and during other auspicious times
• Plan to go to the parent’s home once or twice a week, fix the days and times
• Fix the amount of time spent there, one, two or three hours and do their errands while there instead of sitting around.
• If they require food, do the cooking at your home and deliver it or order food.
• If they require cleaning, clean the home in sections, consider hiring help, and ask the brothers to help.

With love and compromise, anything is possible, and I pray that the parents, the children, and all involved can find what they are looking for and accomplish what we are created for – to worship Allah. Make this dua for guidance:

A’isha narrated from Abu Bakr As-Siddiq that whenever the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) wanted to do a matter, he would say: “O Allah, make it good for me and choose for me. (Allāhumma khir lī wakhtar lī).”

اللَّهُمَّ خِرْ لِي وَاخْتَرْ لِي

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.