Can I Distance Myself from My Mother Who Left Us When We Were Young?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My mother left the house and left us with our dad when we were younger, and then she wanted to move back into our dad’s house when we had all gotten married and wanted to interfere in our affairs. She lies, is arrogant and practices kufr and also wants us to be like her. Is it ok for me to distance myself from her?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and frustration, and I pray that your mother is guided to the sunna of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace).

Cutting Ties

Jubayr Ibn Mut‘im reported on the authority of his father that Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The severer would not enter Paradise.” Ibn ‘Umar said that Sufyan (explained it as): One who severs the tie of kinship would not enter Paradise. [Muslim] This does mean that you can’t distance yourself from her, it means that you can’t cut her off completely.

Protect Yourself

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja] I recommend that you minimize contact with her to protect yourself from her meddling instead of cutting her off completely. Send her messages once in a while. Call her occasionally, especially if she is sick or if she needs something from you. Time, forgiveness, and du‘a, by Allah’s grace, will improve things, and I pray that you can eventually have a normal relationship with her.

Plan to Forgive

I encourage you to be gentle and kind to her because of the great rank of a mother in Islam while protecting yourself and planning to forgive her eventually. ‘Abdullah Ibn al-‘As reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Show mercy and you will be shown mercy. Forgive, and Allah will forgive you. Woe to the vessels that catch words (i.e. the ears). Woe to those who persist and consciously continue in what they are doing.” [Sahih Albani]

Turn to Allah

Keep your hopes up and do your part with Allah. Keep up your prayers, read the Quran daily, increase your knowledge of religion, make dhikr, and stay away from the haram.  Know that Allah’s promise is true in the Quran: “And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]

Please see these links for more details on cutting ties of kinship:

• What is the Minimum Amount of Relationship I Have to Keep with a Relative I Hate?
• How Do We Maintain Family Ties With Bloodthirsty Relatives?
• Is It Bad That I Do Not Love My Mother Because of All the Stress That She Gives Me?
• Will Allah Hate Me for Cutting Off My Toxic Mother in Order To Protect Myself?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.