How Can I Convince My Husband to Have Sex without a Condom?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My husband only wants to have protected sex, as he no longer wants any more children. He wants to use only a condom. We have two children, alhamdulillah. We are both healthy and we are relatively young. I do not find protected sex pleasurable. I have asked that he consider having unprotected sex at least sometimes – to which he refused.

Before we had married, he had agreed to have three children. Shortly after marriage, he only wanted protected sex despite my wishes.

Answer

Thank you for your question.

Pleasure

The neglect of a woman’s sexual pleasure is not the way of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), as he told us, “If any of you has intercourse with his wife let him be true to her. If he attains his pleasure before her then he shouldn’t hurry her away until she also attains her pleasure.” [Musnad Abu Ya‘la] Though the hadith is weak, the meaning is sound as mentioned scholars. Your husband must abandon his selfishness to consider your pleasure as much as his own.

Please see this link for more details:
What Does Islam Say About the Neglect of the Wife’s Sexual Rights?

Children

It is sunna to have many children, and the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) encouraged his nation to multiply themselves when he said, “Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married, and whoever does not, then he should fast for it will diminish his desire.” [Ibn Maja]

Please see these links as well:
The Virtues of Having Children
How Can I Come to an Agreement With My Husband on How Many Children To Have?

Discussion

It is not right that your husband refuses to have more children with you for this is not a one-person decision and also contrary to the sunna. Similarly, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) forbade men to use coitus interruptus without their wife’s consent. ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab said, “The Messenger of Allah forbade practicing coitus interruptus with a free woman except with her consent.” [Ibn Maja] This is slightly different from using a condom, but the result of preventing pleasure and conception is the same. I pray that you both come to a mutual understanding and agree on what you both want.

Suggestions

There are many things that you can both try to make you more comfortable.

•  Foreplay is very important, and the Prophet, (Allah bless him and give him peace), encouraged it. If he doesn’t do enough of it, try increasing it on your side and exciting him.
• Use lubrication, this almost always relieves a woman’s discomfort.
• Talk to him about using the calendar method. There are a couple of weeks in the month when a woman can’t get pregnant, so it should be safe to be intimate without a condom. See this link for details: Rhythm method for natural family planning
• Try changing the condoms that he uses, some give more lubrication, some feel like skin, some are ribbed.
  See this link: These Are the 25 Best Condoms You Can Buy Right Now
• Don’t attack him and tell him that I said everything is his fault, but rather up your game in bonding with him, being open with him, and helping him understand that you are hurt. Try to understand his reason, and work from there. He could be very sensitive about something that you didn’t know about.
• Ask him to pray istikhara on the issue.
• Consult with other young families or elders on the issue of having more children.

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
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